Boy's are Dumb

So there was this guy that I was dating for a short time a few weeks ago, but things are definitely over between us now. I just have a question that I hope someone can answer because it seems completely incomprehensible to me. Why is it that some guys think that they can kiss a girl while they are dating other girls at the same time? It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Anyway's, so the story with this guy is that at first we met at church. I thought that he was cute, but I kinda forgot about him later. A couple weeks later he was flirting with me, but I didn't really recognize, so embarrassingly I asked him what his name was, and he told me, than went on to add that we had already met before. Yeah, that's not awkward at all.

Later that week it's my birthday, and a few of my friends put on a small party for me, and he happened to be one of the guys that they invited. Well by the end of the party when people were leaving we exchanged numbers. A few days later he texted me and he started telling me how he likes to barbecue, so I told him that he should make me something, and then he said, "How about Monday?" I said yes. Then he said that it was a date. K, I think that I should first add that I really hate it when guys text me to ask me out, like, what's so difficult about picking up the phone and calling? Anyway's, on with the story.

So I told him that I had never been on a motorcycle before and that it was on my bucket list to do that. I had absolutely no idea that he owned his own motorcycle, so for our first date he picked me up on it, and so I was thinking about how great this was already going. And it was really great, we had a really good time and I was really starting to like him.

Now the second date. I asked him out for this one. He came over to my house and we baked cookies and then watched Sherlock (one of my favorite TV shows). It just made the date ten times better though when he said that we had to move our date (it was originally going to be on a Monday again, but then went to the next day, Tuesday) because he was on a date. Cool, no problem. I shouldn't worry about it because it's not like we were a couple or anything. We just had a few dates. Still, try thinking about that with the guy that you like, that you asked out a week after he took you out. Yeah.

Our third date was a lot better. He asked me out again for this one. We didn't do a whole lot. Got a quick dinner and then watched some TV at his house. One thing led to another and we ended making out on his couch. Once we were done I had to ask him what this meant, because I'm not the kind of girl who just kisses casually. I'm emotional, and it can be really annoying sometimes, but I get attached when a guy kisses me.

You know what he said? He said that he's been dating a lot of girls lately, and he felt bad for them and didn't just want to end things with them. Ugh, as I think about it now it just makes me want to gag.

I talked to my friends at work about it, and they said that I deserved to know what his intentions were, although it seemed like he already showed me his intentions.

So about a week later when we were at a church activity, after I finally got him alone, I asked him what exactly we were.

"Wow," he said. "I wasn't really prepared for this. Well, I really really like you, and I still want to take you out on more dates, but I want to ask out other girls too."

I was simultaneously unhappy and happy that I asked him.

Well with me being my nice sweet self I just kept on saying, "Yeah, yeah, I get that." I wasn't yelling or really reacting at all. I was just staring down at my feet. When he was done talking I said, still staring down at my feet, "Well, I gotta get heading home." With arms crossed I started walking away from him.

"Don't I get a hug?" He asked. How do you make a face of someone rolling their eyes?

"Oh... sure." I walked the few steps back to him and hugged him. I didn't hug him tightly, I just sort of patted him on the back as he hugged me. As I stepped away I asked him, "Are you nervous?"

"A little bit." He responded, his voice raising in inflection slightly. Good, he deserves that.

"Can I still take you out on dates?" He asked me.

"We'll see." I smiled, and walked back to my car.

Honestly, I was surprised when he asked me out again. And honestly, I'm not surprised that he hasn't asked me out since.

This date was actually more of a date. He took me up to the canyon and we went on a short little hike, which was fun because I really enjoy doing that. Well he kept on asking me what I was thinking. He had a habit of asking that when I least expected it, and it always annoyed me. I always responded with 'I don't know' because my mind would draw a blank when he would say that. Which is true because I just don't do good with on the spot questions. Anyway's, at that moment though my mind hadn't drawn a blank. Instead I was thinking about how I didn't really want him kissing me anymore if he was dating other girls, which I was sure that he was kissing them as well. But I didn't say any of that. I just told him my usual answer of 'I don't know.'

Truth be told, I wanted to get to dinner before things got awkward.

When it was time for dinner and we had picked a place (it was this small little Taiwanese place) I waited a little bit until we got our dinner. I was just sort of pecking at my food with the chopsticks they provided. A few minutes before I felt starving, but all of the sudden I just wasn't anymore. Finally I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"So I'm totally fine if you want to keep things casual between us and date other people, but I don't want you to be kissing me in the process."

Just like before, I caught him off guard. Good.

"Sorry." He mumbled at his food.

"Because you know," I went on. "It kinda makes a girl think that there's something more."

"Sorry." He said again.

I don't know what it is about situations like this, but whenever I confront someone, I almost always have a smile on my face, and talk so nicely to them, though inside I want to yell at them. I get my point across, but I don't raise my voice, and that is what was happening.

"It's okay," I said. "Just don't plan on kissing me again if you're going to be taking other girls out, which I'm assuming you're kissing them too." He certainly did not say otherwise to my comment.

Calmly, but I could still tell, slightly uncomfortable, he said, "I'm probably not the right guy for you. You probably shouldn't say yes again when I ask you out."

"Maybe you shouldn't ask me out again." I replied.

K, so he's already lost several thousand points with me with all of the crap that he said, but then he had the audacity to suggest a friend of his to go out on date with me.

And here's to sum up the basic stupidity of this guy. He told me, "To be honest, I don't think that I could ever fall for you."

Wow, ouch. It's not like I was even saying that I was absolutely head-over-heals in love with him - believe me, that would never happen - but then it's like he's trying to make me feel bad. Jeez. All because I was standing up for myself. But I am happy to say that I never once said that he was a self-centered jerk, or that he had no idea how to be a gentleman, but that I was simply polite.

At one point he said that there's been several relationships over this summer that could have gone onto being something, but he was just scared. I guess that he was married briefly before, but his wife walked out on him, so he has trouble trusting women. I get that, but I think that he should think a little bit before he just goes around kissing girls with no attachment. I told him that maybe he should try to not push a girl away. His opinion was that he wasn't pushing them away. I looked at him incredulously and said, "Really?"

Anyway's, lets just say that I haven't really had a desire to talk to him, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's put me in his little "friend-zone" that he's told me he's put several other girls into.

So that's my little rant. Guy's sure can be stupid, and I just don't understand why, but oh well. I'm only 19, I still have a while before I need to worry about having a serious man in my life. Let's just hope that he's a good guy. Fingers crossed. ☻☺

Strange Dream I Had

So I just found this paper that I wrote about this dream that I had a while ago. I don't know the date of when this was written, but my guess is maybe about a year ago. This is what I wrote:

Two "evil" guys lead me down to a creepy dark basement. I say "evil" because they are still slightly bad, but they are recuperating. Taking a sort of rehab for their villainous deeds. They are both wearing black from head to toe (I think, if I remember correctly), and are both tall, skinny and pasty white. Sort of like goths. But remember; they are reforming.

We begin to walk through this kitchen and everything is dark except for the light coming from the opened fridge door, taunting me to come to it. The two guys warn me in very bored, monotone voices to "beware of the fridge, it is evil." Then the just walk out of the room. I close the door and then realize how hungry I am and open it back up to find something to eat, but then remember what they said and walk away, but strangely leave the door to the fridge wide open looking around because I feel someone's presence behind me.

And then I see - it, or he. I'm gonna say he. He is a life-size egg with legs and arms. Sort of like Humpty Dumpty, but in this case he was wearing a tux with a top hat and everything. He just stares at me with no expression in his eyes and says, "Do not trust the fridge, it is evil."

And that's all that I remember with that dream.

As you can see, this was a very weird dream, so I thought that I would share it because I saw the humor in it, although different. 

Breakup

About three weeks ago me and my boyfriend broke up. I don't really like to talk about it, but I just feel like I should say something here.

I think about him everyday. I try so hard not to, and I have to force myself to not call or text him, because I know that would not be a good idea. And, you know what? I think the biggest thing that I'm having a hard time with is that he wasn't a huge jerk to me that made me hate him. I still love him.

It's also hard because I lost my virginity to him. For those who are reading this and still are a virgin and aren't married yet, that's good, stay that way, because if it turns out that you and this guy or girl don't stay together and you gave them everything, then you have a strong attachment to them that is hard to break.

It's not like we were ever planning on breaking up. We were actually talking about marriage. What happened is that my mom (who really never liked him because he would always say he would come over for dinner, but didn't show, so that showed a lack of commitment) began talking to me about him, listing off all of these red flags about him that I can see now, but didn't really pay attention to at the time. He's in debt, he doesn't have a car, so I was usually driving him around, he doesn't have any sort of college education, etc. She also pried it out of me that I'm not a virgin anymore. When a good mom finds out that her daughters boyfriend took her virginity then she shouldn't be happy about it. And my mom wasn't happy. Well, pretty much she convinced me to break up with him. In the end I ended up listing to him her concerns, and he ended up agreeing with her, saying that he wasn't good for me.

You know, I kind of had hoped that he would fight for me, but he never made any changes.

In the end, I guess that I was the one who was fighting for us, trying to keep something that would eventually end in disaster.

I really wish that I had never had sex with him. And even though I understand that he isn't financially stable and has a lot of things to work out (quit smoking, and I'm pretty sure he's addicted to porn), I lost something so special and intimate that I can never take back, something that made me feel connected to him. I wasn't ready. I didn't know that at the time, but I really wasn't. And that's what has made this breakup the hardest - the fact I still feel attached to him. It sucks.

I want to talk about this with someone who understands, but I don't know anyone who does, so I don't talk about it.

Well to whoever read this depressing post, I hope that you have learned that sex before marriage can lead to a painful hear break sometimes. 

Even though there are several times that I think that my life is "tough" I have to remember that I am so lucky. I have so much: I am receiving an education, I have a great family, and a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. Sure life can be hard, but I have to think to myself sometimes, "When is life not hard?" We all have challenges that we have to face, and some are just more difficult than others, but that doesn't mean that we can't get through them. That is the thing that I need to continually remind myself.

If you don't already know this, or I for some reason haven't mentioned it, I am in the culinary program at UVU. Now, don't get me wrong, I love it. We're in the kitchen now actually practicing how to make things, but my teacher is so tough. He grades us out of 150-200 points on just our work in the kitchen, and then we have homework every night. I may sound whiny, but I am seriously stressing out here because this class end's in February - next month - and my grade is already really bad. I really am trying but it's just hard. I'm starting to get a stomach ache because of this, and I cried today because all of the stress is really starting to come down on me. We've been in it for one week and my grade is already like this.

Along with this class I have also had work every day so far, and because I work as a nanny in the morning's and my class starts at 8:30 a.m., I get really stressed for the kids to get ready so that I can drop them off at the neighbor's house and I can leave the house at no later than 7:55, maybe 8:00. I have been getting to class on time most day's, but, of course, on the first day that I walked in a few minutes late, which was the first day of class, my teacher, Chef John, said right then that if we are even a minute late than that starts to take off 4% of our grade. Well, that is just great for me then.

So, because of this, I have been exhausted. On Monday when I was at my boyfriends place, I had just woken up from about an hour - two hour nap, and he asked me after a few minutes, "Is it your special time right now?" Really?

"No, I just ended." I said, trying to keep my voice neutral. "Why do you ask?"

"Well you've just seemed a little snappy today, and you haven't had much sleep. Just wondering." After he said that I didn't say anything else because I knew that I would just get mad at him, which I didn't really want to do. So, with a blank stare on my face, I looked at him for a second, then turned my head. Really? In what realm is it okay to ask a girl that? I think that girls can get away with asking other girls, but even then, you know? But for a guy, and no less, my boyfriend, to say that. Ugh. I love him, but sometimes he speaks before he thinks. Maybe it's just a guy thing, because a few year's ago when I was just in a bad mood and nothing else, my older brother, Lance, asked me if I was on my period.

Guy's, if you are reading this, do not ask a girl that. Even if she is on it, don't ask. Those are uncharted waters where you don't know what you're going to expect. We are emotional at this time, we can't help it. So for someone to ask that just makes you realize that you are being a little snappy and rude. And sometimes we just have bad day's, like I was having on Monday (because I had only had 3 hours of sleep, then went to work, and right after that, to class), but that doesn't mean that we are on our periods at the moment.

If you were thinking about asking a girl if she is on her period, you have been warned.

But the thing is, I knew how I was acting, I had even apologized for it several times, and yet he had the audacity to say that. I love him so so much, trust me, but sometimes he is really good at being blunt. Anyway's, I'm not mad at him anymore, I just needed to get that off of my chest.

So yeah, we'll just say that I haven't had much of a "stress-free" week.

Thought that I would just post a picture of me and my sweet boyfriend. Maybe a couple, though, because this one has half of his face cut off.






Isn't he so cute? I don't really care much for how I look here, but I think that this is a good picture of him. :)