Paying Attention

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE


It's Sunday morning, 8:35 a.m. to be exact, and whoever is texting me at this untimely hour, better have a good reason for it.

I check it. It's Elijah.

Elijah: Hi.

Me: Hi back.

I put my phone back on my dresser and lay my head back down to just rest my eyes. What feels like one minute, but was actually five of my quick rest, is interrupted by my phone vibrating again. I check it, expecting another text from Elijah, which I did get, but the one right after his is from Jeremie. I open Jeremie's first.

Jeremie: Hi. How are you? I saw what happened

at the dance. You okay?

Me: Yeah, thanks for asking. Me and Eli

had a good time once that part was over.

Jeremie: ...that's good. I'm glad you had a good time.

Me: Thanks. :) Wait. You were at the dance? 

I didn't see you. Who did you go with?

Jeremie: Alicia asked me.

Me: Alicia asked you? What? Me and her, are like,

best friends. Why didn't she tell me? I mean, it's

not a big deal, but it's kinda weird too.

Jeremie: Hmm....

I never know how to reply to those "Hmm...." one liner's, so I open up the text from Elijah.

Elijah: Sooo.... what's up?

I'm still kinda bugged that he woke me up at 8:35. He should know that I need all of my rem sleep in order to function. (Which is a scientific fact. I found it on Google.) Especially since we didn't get home until late, and I didn't get to bed till a little after 2:30 in the morning. So I reply with,

Me: The sun.

Elijah: Ha ha. :) Did I wake you up?

Me: ...... I don't know.

I'm one of those people who will be passive aggressive about something to show someone their wrong's, but I usually don't want to tell them. That just seems too much for me. 

Luckily, Elijah get's me.

Elijah: I think I did. Do you want me to let 

you go back to sleep?

Me: Maybe. Sorry. How are you awake this

early anyways?

Elijah: It's fine. :) And my mom made me

get up to help her do some stuff in the 

backyard. Now go back to sleep. :)

Me: K.

The conversation has ended, and I just barely close my eyes when I hear the obnoxious vibrating noise again. I thought that we went through this already; I need my sleep.

But when I check my phone again, it's not Eli, its Jeremie responding to my nonexistent reply.

Jeremie: Can I ask you something?

Me: (Sighing inwardly.) Sure.

Jeremie: Are you and Elijah going out now?

I thought that it was pretty obvious, so I'm curious, why is he asking?

Me: Yeah. It's kinda new.

Jeremie: Oh....

Me: Why do you ask? :)

It seems to help to put a smiley face at the end of a text when you're not sure if the person would be offended or not by your obvious query. (I used a big word.) That's one of the problems with texting. Other than the fact that it takes away face to face contact. But who am I to talk? I clearly do it all the time.

Jeremie: Just wondering.

Me: Okay.

Jeremie: Hey, you know when you told me

that I could tell you anything when I was 

ready?

Me: Yeah.

Jeremie: Well, would you be okay if we met

up and talked for a bit, because I think

that I'm ready to tell you.

Wow, forget sleep. If he needs to get something off his chest, than I don't just want to leave him alone. He is one of my friends now. A very attractive friend, but still a friend.

Me: Yeah. Where do you want to meet?

Jeremie: How about Cascade Park?

Me: Okay. Be there in a few.

I put my phone back on my dresser, do all my bathroom needs, and then change and put on makeup as fast as I can.

***

"Thanks for meeting me here." Jeremie say's. We're sitting next to a giant pine tree, the shade enveloping us completely.

"Yeah, no problem."

He's quiet for several minutes, seeming to be putting his thoughts together. He opens and closes his mouth a few times. Finally he starts talking again.

"So.... Something happened not long ago...in my family. Do you promise not to tell anyone?"

"I promise."

"Well," he starts, but then I see his eye's start to redden, and little tears start to pool."

"It's okay. Just take your time." I say gently.

"You know, you are one of the truest friends I have ever had?" A tear escapes his lower lid, and he wipes it away quickly.

I smile at him in response. 

"Anyway's..." He continues. "In my family. I don't really know where to start, I just know that I need to get it off my chest, and I can't talk about it with my family anymore because they all know what happened, so there's really no change in air where I can just vent. So..." Another tear falls. Again, he wipes it away like it never happened. "Three weeks ago my cousin committed suicide. I haven't felt like I could tell anyone-" He stops, his voice catching as more tears flow. He takes a few deep breaths before continuing. "I haven't felt like I could tell anyone, because I don't want the weird looks, and awkward silences, you know? I just want someone who will hear me." At this point he is staring past me, at the surrounding trees.

"I hear you." I say, and move so that he is staring into my eyes. He looks surprised, as another tear falls down his cheek. He doesn't do anything to wipe it away this time, so I reach up with my right hand and dry the tear with my finger. Neither of us moves, and we just stare at each other for a minute. He lifts up his left hand and presses my hand to his cheek. I never would have expected him to be this vulnerable before, and it makes me like him a little bit more. It takes me a minute, but I remember that I have a boyfriend now, so I quickly remove my hand and look down at my lap.

He looks away, clearly embarrassed. "Well, thank you. The two times that I have tried to tell someone, they've acted really weird and awkward about it. It's like if someone dies some other way than the people offer their condolences, but when its suicide, its like they don't even think that the same thing would be nice. Thank you... for being normal." He looks up and smiles at me.

"No problem." I smile back. "Everyone deserves the same respect."

We stay there about two more hours, just talking, until mom texts me asking me where I am. Oops. Guess I forgot to explain where I was before I left. Oh well, she'll understand.

"I'm sorry, I've got to go." I say, reluctantly getting up, my butt sweaty now.

"Yeah. Thanks again." 

"Yeah." I smile at him again before I go.

***

"So where were you?" Mom asks as I enter the door.

"Sorry," I say. "There was this emergency with a friend of mine, and they needed to vent about some stuff."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

I think that that is that, so I begin to walk up the stairs when she calls my name.

"What?" I say.

"I think that we need to talk about something." She nods for me to follow her out to the backyard. Oh crap, what did I do? I don't think that I've done anything bad lately.

When we're out on the back porch I ask, "Did I do something wrong?"

She gives me a confused expression. "Why would you ask that?"

"I don't know. Why do we need to talk?"

She sighs. Its a few seconds before she begins talking. "Why aren't you eating?"

"What are you talking about? I'm eating." It's true. I had a whole apple before I left. 

"You're not eating as much as you should. Look at you," She points at my stomach. "You're getting too skinny. You need to eat more."

"Mom, I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me."

"That's exactly what an anorexic person would say!" She yells, and we're both silent. I cover my stomach self-consciously.

"You need to control yourself, Samantha." Wow, she only uses my whole name when she thinks it's serious.

"Mom, I am under control, can't you tell? I've lost weight and I am controlling my eating habits. I would call that a success."

"It's not a success when it starts to become noticeable that you only eat a few bites of food when we have dinner."

Man, I thought that I was eating enough bites to hide that.

"Mom, do I look anorexic to you?"

"Not yet, but I can see that you're getting there."

"Mom, I'm fine." I say as calmly as I can. This is really starting to become annoying.

She gives me a wary look, but I make it so she can't say anything else as I turn on my heal and walk back inside.