"Hey." I say, walking up to Daniel when I see him in the hall on my walk to math on Monday morning.
"Hey." He replies. He doesn't say anything more.
"So... I was wondering... this might seem a little awkward, but... why haven't you tried calling or texting me at all?"
"I didn't know you wanted me to." He say's blankly.
"Well of corse I wanted you to." I try to sound as cheerful as I can. It's a little hard.
"Oh, sorry. I didn't know."
We're quiet for a minute until I bring myself the courage to say something to him.
"Are you mad about Friday night?" I say softly.
He doesn't respond, and that answer's my question completely.
"Listen," I continue. "I-I've never gone through anything like this before, so I'm sorry. I guess that I was just a little unprepared." We're a few feet from my class and the late bell is about to ring. I need to speed this up.
He breaths in deeply, seeming to want to hear more about what I have to say. But I don't have any more, except:
"This scares me." I say. I didn't know that that was going to come out of my mouth, but it did. "I don't mean it like that." I say quickly. "It's just - I don't know." I stop, not quite sure where I am going with this.
"Let's talk more after school." He say's, and I nod, watching him walk away, and hearing the late bell ring. Wrong teacher's class to be late to.
I breath in a sigh and hold it, preparing myself for the worst for this class.
"Hey slow poke." Jeremie pokes my back with his pencil. He's in a better mood than when I saw him last.
"Hey." I say, turning slightly and smiling.
He gives me that award winning, sexiest man alive smile, and I can't help but feel happy inside that it's directed at me.
"Samantha." Mrs. Smith says to me tightly, motioning for me to turn around in my seat. I do, but not before I give an eye-roll to Jeremie. He just laughs quietly as I face the front of the room.
"Now," She goes on. "When you square root y, you have to-" And then my mind goes blank, as it usually does in this class, but now I am just thinking about everything boy related, and how confused I am right now.
***
I don't eat at all during lunch. I have already lost some weight, I can tell; I just need to lose a little bit more. It has been so hard to not think about food and to ignore my cravings. I want food, but I don't want it at the same time, you know? I can't get any bigger. So far I've really only been eating my dinner, trying to keep up some of the impression that I do still eat so that I wont raise questions for my parents.
But now, I can't worry about me and my body issues. Mariah hasn't been talking that much lately. I have been so worried about her. It almost seems as though she wants to be depressed, as messed up as that sounds.
"So do you want to get lunch today, or something from the vending machines?" I say, trying to communicate to her, even offer food that I can't want, but she just simply shrugs.
"Okay..." I say, thinking. "How about we go for the vending machines. They always have something there." Though never anything healthy.
We walk over there, and stare at the amounts of chips and candy and cookies there are. Juices are just on the other side with the waters.
I put the money in and push B6, and wait for a water to come out. When I grab it, I turn around and see that Mariah has a bag of garden salsa Sun Chips in one hand, and an orange juice in the other. Boy that makes me hungry. Maybe I could just ask for one or two chips when she opens them. Maybe even get some myself.
No. I can't do that. I've been eating too much as is. I can't just eat when I've come this far.
And now, I finally focuse on Mariah. Sad face and heavy look. It appears as though she's carrying a backpack full of rocks, and she's having to lean forward to stay up-right.
I put an arm around her, anger filling inside me, wanting to punch that fricken bratty girl in the face, and cause her as much pain as she's caused my sister.
As if reading my thoughts, Mariah says, "Sam, please don't get into this. I don't want to create drama."
It's a little late for that, but I nod anyways, trying to trust her that she will be able to pull through this load of crap.
***
"So explain to me why you're scared." Daniel say's to me, swinging his legs back and forth on the sement wall that sits near the tennis courts. I told Mariah that I would be meeting him after school, so just get a ride home, and she had given me a slight mischevious smile, a first in a while.
"I guess it's just...." I stop, try to gather my thoughts, and he just sits there, waiting. I almost wish that he would just get mad at me so I don't have to do any talking. "It's just that..." I stop again, feeling his stare through my side. "I don't want to do this too fast. And when we were doing that, it felt so good, but I just didn't want to get things out of hand. I just... maybe need things to slow down with us a bit."
I watch him take all of this information in, and I immediately want to take it all back, but I can't. He slowly begins to nod his head, a breath leaving his lips. Then he looks at me, a sad smile on his face.
"You know, I really like you?" He says. It's not a question.
I don't say anything, just put my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulder.
"Who say's we can't be friends?"
He sighs, then turns his head towards me, his mouth just centimeters from mine. I pull back a little.
"Yeah, who say's?" He whispers.
I smile, and we stay like that for a few minutes before I tell him that I have to leave; go home and do homework. It's really just an excuse so that I can get out of here to mull things over in my head, but he seems to understand, and nods at me. A smile barely escapes his lips.
A wave and I'm gone, forcing myself to not run away from my fears, but walk as calmly as I can back to my car. It's difficult. It takes all that I have in me to not run back to him and tell him that I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of that, and can we start over? But I know I can't. It would be too much.
Turning the key in the ignition, I begin thinking about how Elijah had asked me if I had asked anyone to the dance yet. Why would he ask that? Oh, I am so confused. Guys complain about how we are confusing, they should take a look at themselves from out perspective.
I don't think I'll be able to eat much of my dinner tonight. I have just lost whatever appetite I might have had before.
