So my best friend Andrea, and my guy friend Ian are really mad at each other right now because of a mistake that Andrea made. Ian is mad at her for the mistake and the way that she's changed this past year, while she's mad at him for not being there for her in any way at all. And the sad thing is is that they used to be best friends, but not anymore. I feel like neither of them are trying to save this friendship at all, and that they just to care, while I'm the one who has been talking to both of them about it, and they both say the same thing: Well he/she keeps on avoiding me; he/she doesn't come up to talk to me, so I don't know how to talk to them.

I just think that this whole thing is ridiculous. I swear, it's gonna have to be like in the movie Failure to Launch, where they have to lock them in a room together to get them to talk, it's that bad. 

I just want my friends to be friends again, but they wont. They've given up on friendship, and they just don't want to put whatever effort they have left, into it again. I don't understand why high school always has to be super dramatic. Last semester I did great with avoiding drama, and then this semester I haven't been doing too good. (Sigh.)

Oh, and then Andrea, she's "going out" with this complete jerk right now, and I have told her several times that she needs to just forget about him because he's no good for her, and she deserves so much better. But she just wont listen to me. He's totally emotionally abusing her, and I want to punch him in the face every time I see him, but then I know (because I am the biggest people pleaser,) I would hate to have Andrea mad at me, so I stop myself even though I know that he deserves it. But I always imagine myself giving him one of those really nice girl slaps that leaves a hand print on the face. Yup. That sounds good to me. 

But, there is one way that I actually feel bad for the guy. 

Apparently a little while ago, or something, one of his friends committed suicide, and he was the one that found his body. That is something that no one should have to go through. Even people I don't like that much.

My cousin committed suicide, and that is the suckiest thing that anyone can ever go through. Those people who do that, don't even comprehend how much it affects the lives of their loved ones. By then they are too self absorbed in their madness that they can't think of anything else but getting rid of the pain, and they believe that that is the best way to go. Well I'll tell you this. It's not. It will leave the family in a almost never ending torment. 

And shortly afterward, another one of my cousins tried to kill herself with laundry detergent. And just recently one of my sister's friends threatened to kill herself. So yeah, I know a little about this subject.

It's sad, because a lot of people have gone through this, and it's just sad how many do. 

I've only told a handful of my friends about this, my best friend included. None of them understand what it's like because none of them have gone through it, which I am so happy that they haven't. 

Last year I sent in a poem about suicide to my school newsletter, but it never got in. I'm not surprised. I mean, it was titled Suicide. But I don't really think that in my little city of Orem, Utah (yes, Utah) that they really stress enough of the danger of this. It's just too... much for them. But I just wish they could talk more about it. 

Anyways, I'm getting off on my own little tangent. 

But I'm glad that I have the life that I have. Even though it can be pretty crappy sometimes, it still gets to those times when I am so glad to be the person that I am, because then if I wasn't then I wouldn't have the friends that I have now. I wouldn't have the family that I have now. And I wouldn't learn the things that I learn, now. Amazing to think that if I just had a different look about me, or a different personality, my life would change in many, many ways. 

Wow, did I just cover, like, three subjects.

And remember, live life in the now. Not the past. That can be a big problem with many.

The Motions

I am like a river, just going with the flow of whatever life brings me. Continuing on. Having my challenges, having my successes, my joy, laughter, sadness, anger, sudden bursts of feelings that I get when he walks towards me, hugging me, flirting with me. Things that all teenage girls go through. The motions. Sometimes I get to wondering, 'Why does this have to happen to me? Why did I have to be so stupid and rude?' Sometimes it's just about me. Selfish feelings, and feelings of being invincible, nothing ever being able to destroy me. Feelings that I will never grow old and never see myself with kids. Sometimes I feel like I am the dumbest person ever, that if I say one thing incorrect on something that I don't understand then I have the feeling that someone will laugh at me mean. Sometimes I feel smart, and I help those and understand those who struggle with the thing that I am good at. And sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling. Whether it be anger, sadness, happiness, or just plain tiredness. And with that I will feel like life is just going through the motions as it always does, and I can't always control what's going to happen. I just have to trust what will.