So just letting you know some exciting news! Last Saturday I got my first kiss with the guy I like, Hunter Gruwell, and it was awesome! Tonight he's going to take me to the O'Rock so that we can both become True Tigers for our school. Although, granted, it's not a full moon or a new moon, we're still going to the O'Rock so that we can have fun. Yeah. Not like that kind of fun. NOOOOO. But just kissing, and stuff like that. Yeah, now that just sounds a little weird.

Anyways.

He's supposed to pick me up soon and I'm freaking out. I don't really know why, because I mean we already had our first kiss with each other, but I am. But I am so excited at the same time. It'll be awesome!

I don't know what else to do except type right now because of nerves. And I don't really want anyone in my family to see them. My mom and my sister know about the kiss, but the rest of my family is never going to find out. At least not for a while. It would be so awkward.

But yeah. I can't think of anything else to say, so I'm signing off now.

Bye.

I am growing. I am changing. Yet, compared to most of the world, I am changing at a much slower pace in what I believe. In what I think. What I feel. What I know. And what I am as a person. And I hope that never changes.

I have a really good friend. She's changed a lot. She's still an amazing person, but the world has sucked her in, and she thinks differently, and I sometimes have to stand up for what I believe in.

Today, another friend of mine said that she hates America. Well I for one love America. She was talking about how she hates our government. But I told her that even though it does suck it's great to think of where we came from, and to think that in a lot of ways we are much better off than others. I mean I'm on a freaking computer right now. Some people don't have a freaking home. I love her, but she almost didn't sound grateful, and it was a little hard to tell her how I felt. I said it in a nice way of course, but it was still a little difficult.

And that is what part of life is all about. Standing up for what you believe in, and not cowering back, even when  you're the only one to say something. And I have experienced being the one to hide away, closing myself off and not wanting anyone to notice that I haven't said anything. And I've also had times where I've spoken my mind very clearly. Times when I get up, heart racing, and I don't know how I do it, but I confront the opposition. Those times are some of the most greatest times in my life, and they haven't happened very often.

Now I'm not saying that it's good to confront everyone. Sometimes we need to step back and let them take care of themselves.

I'm probably getting a little ahead of myself, but this is just what I'm feeling right now.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER TEN

Once I walk into school I immediately see Elijah, and he's just a few people ahead of me. Mariah and I walk up to him and I say, "Hey."

"Hey." He say's smiling. 

"So how are you?"

Oh great, the awkward, trying to start a conversation, conversation.

"Pretty good. How art thou?"

I honestly don't know why I say it like that. I just do sometimes. It's just fun.

"Good. A little tired, but good."

"That's good."

I'm glad that Mariah is here, because it's already taking some of the tension away, which I don't know why it's there. 

"So how are you Mariah?"

"I'm good." She replies simply. I think that since she already heard his answer from my question she just decided not to ask. Good call, because it would be a little pointless.

"Good, good." He say's, rocking back and forth on his heels. "So have either of you seen The Woman In Black?"

"Oh my gosh, yes!" I say. "It was so freaking scary, but also so freaking good. I screamed the whole way through it."

"I know, right? But I bet that I handled it better."

"Ptsh! You weren't even there when I saw it. So how would you even know?"

"Because I'm a man," he say's puffing out his chest, and adding a deep voice. "And men don't get scared."

"Okay, I'm gonna see it with you sometime, and we're gonna see who's REALLY screaming!" I say laughing a little.

"And I know exactly who it's gonna be." 

"Who? You?"

"Yeah," he say's sarcastically, "and I'm also going to be the one who will be screaming into your arms, and you'll be rocking me like a baby."

"Well, you're pretty right on that one." I say.

He laughs, I laugh too. Because even though it's a stupid bicker contest, it just seems so funny.

The bell rings and we say goodbye, even though we're gonna be seeing each other at lunch again, and go our separate ways to our classes. It's not until I'm about halfway down the hall, that I realize that Mariah is right there. I had forgotten about her, and that she had the direction to go to, and she also was so quiet. I guess when a talkative person is quiet it's hard to remember that they're there. Well.... sometimes. In most cases I think you get to wondering where that person is. I think it's because I'm still used to her going off to her own friends, which she doesn't have anymore. Which is weird considering that she's been hanging out with me and my friends for the past two weeks. Hmm. I should work on paying attention a little better. And I should probably stop having long times of thinkings (you know what I mean), and just clear my mind. Which isn't really possible for me. Okay, now I'm gonna focus on her.

"Hey Mariah." I say. "Are you okay."

She shrugs her shoulders. "I guess."

I put my arm around her and squeeze a little before we go off into our different classes.

   

Paying Attention

CHAPTER TEN


"Hey." Say's Jeremie as I walk into class. He has on a dark jeans with an white button up shirt that isn't tucked in, with a black tie, and black Vans. He looks sooooo hot. As usual. No surprise there.

"Hey." I say back to him, smiling.

"So I've got to ask you something."

"Okay." I've got all seriousness on. Seriously.

"So... Why are you smiling?"

"I don't know. I just don't know what you're going to say so I'm thinking that it's going to be funny and that you'll just make me laugh in the middle of class and then I'll get into trouble, and Mrs. Smith is then gonna get mad at me, but she wont get mad at you because you never really talk in this class. So..."

"Wow. That was a very... long descriptive explanation." He say's smiling. "But what I was GOING to say is that for the rest of this week I'm gonna be outta town for a wedding. So just letting you know in case you get... you know.... lonely."

"What? Me? Lonely? Nah, I'll be fine!"

He look's a little disappointed, so I quickly say, "I'm just kidding. Of course I'm gonna miss you! I've barely known you a week, yet we now talk to each other all of the time in class."

Now he's perked up a little and smiles at me.

"Samantha and Jeremie! Would like to tell me is so necessary to talk about right now in the MIDDLE of class?"

"No Mrs. Smith." I say quietly. Because as much as I HATE her, I don't like her mad at me at all. In fact I don't like anyone mad at me.

"Okay. Now if I hear you two talking again then I am going to move you two." She turns back around to the board and continues talking about this whole Pythagorean Theorem thing and I zone out.

I feel Jeremie's hand tap me on the shoulder and I turn around and he passes a note into my hand. I open it up and read it. It say's: Do you think that she really is married? Or is that just a cover up name?


I start to laugh in spite of myself, and quickly write on the back of it: I don't know, I've thought the exact same thing myself. This may sound really mean, but I honestly don't know how she could get a husband with her kind of personality that is just plain and controlling. Like Angela off of The Office.

***

I just heard someone in the hall after class got out, say that Mrs. Smith is gonna be a Miss pretty soon. Yup, she's getting a divorce. So there really was a man in her life. Man, poor Mrs. Smith.

***

In English (which is the main class that I actually LOVE) Mr. Reese is talking about how we're going to be reading The Crucible. "Now since we're going to be reading this, I want you to understand as much as you possible can on the subject. So your homework tonight is to right a report, two pages, double spaced, talking about the Red Scare."

"What?" Johnny says. One of the most popular guys in school, who sits only a few desks away from me. "What does that have to do with it?"

"Well that's actually a very good question." Say's Mr. Reese. "But you will have to figure out later when we start the play, what this really has to do with it. But until then, it's a surprise."

I can't wait to start reading this. I might just start tonight.

"Freak." I hear Johnny mutter under his breath.

"Loser." I hear myself say to him, and he looks up, straight at me, and then I quickly walk out of the class when the bell rings, hoping that he REALLY didn't hear me. Or else I would feel terrible.

Oh, well. I'm gonna go and search for Mariah so that we can go home.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER NINE


While driving to school with Mariah, I hear here break her conversation with herself and turn to me and say, "So do you want to know why I've been hanging out with you and your friends more lately?"

"Only if you want to tell me."

"Well I want to tell you because I hate not telling anyone and it's driving me crazy... So last week Rachel, you remember Rachel, right? So anyways, she saw me with Austin and she likes Austin I guess. I didn't know this. So she comes up to me after History in the hallway and say's to me, 'Stay away from my boyfriend Mariah!'

"And I said, 'What are you talking about?'

"And she was like, 'You know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm with Austin and you just think that you can jump right in and think, oh just because I'm pretty, I can get whatever guy I want. Well you can't!'"

I can see the beginning's of tears in Mariah's eyes, but she continues on. "I thought that he liked me. I had never seen or heard of them being together. I thought that he was MY guy. But I guess not. So in the end I found out that Austin was cheating on Rachel with me, and so I ended up being the other girl without knowing or wanting to be. And now because of this, everyone hates me. I've lost ALL of my friends because they think that I did it all on purpose just to spite Rachel, but I didn't! I was just going after a guy who I thought liked me, but turns out he didn't." Now that she's finished saying all of that she lets it all go.

"It just hurts!"

And while she cry's, I part the car in one of the spaces, and lean over to give her a big hug. "Mariah, no one hates you. Your friends are obviously not very good friends if they just abandon you like that without getting the whole story. And you can always hang out with me and my friends whenever you want." Man, I really feel like mom right now. This is a little weird, but I know that since I am the sister, I should do whatever I can to reassure her, and let her know that people have her back. "That Austin guy is just a douche bag. You deserve way better than him."

And while she cry's, she whispers, "Thanks." And then we get out and walk to the school to go to our classes.

***

When walking down the hall I see Rachel walking with her friends. I can't help it, but I give them all, the dirtiest look ever. How could they just ditch my sister? Jerks.

"Hey Sam." Rachel smiles at me.

I force a smile and say sarcastically, "Oh. Hi. I haven't seen you in a while it seems. Why's that?"

And then her smile stays ever so calm as she say's, "Oh, I don't know! We should totally hang out sometime!"

"Yeah, because I hope that there's nothing going on between you and Mariah. Because that would be really STUPID if there was. Wouldn't it?"

Now she realizes that I know, and her smile disappears, and she simply say's, "Yeah."

So I almost got my first kiss last night. I was about to be my schools "true tiger." But it didn't end up happening. Probably because my best friend Andrea was there, and that Hunter (the guy I like that was going to kiss me) saw one of his friends parents who live just a few houses down from the school. They probably wouldn't have seen us because the O-Rock (yes, that is my schools thing, and that is where you go at midnight on a full moon to get kissed and become a "true tiger") is surrounded by trees, and sits right next to the greenhouse. But I also think that he was nervous.

Me, him, and Andrea, a little bit earlier, were playing this game where you have to keep a straight face, and someone will look into your eyes and say "Baby, I love you, please, just smile" and try to make them smile. That's the whole object of the game. And me and Andrea lost to Hunter many times, but a few times when I was doing it to him, I kissed his cheek a few times, and he said, "Oh, that almost made me smile. But, baby, I love you, but I just can't smile." And then I'd do it again and then he really would almost smile. It was cute, and it made me feel good. Also at one point he said that me and Andrea were two attractive girls, and that made me feel really good. He may have said that to both of us, but I don't really care, it was super cute, and I sort of, but not really know that he like's me, so that made me feel even better about myself.

So yeah, I hope that he still likes me. He told me in January at a New Years Eve party that he did. But I don't know if that's still the case.

Anyways, that's all that I have for today.

Adios.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER EIGHT


"So are you ready for the movie?" Elijah say's as we walk up to the movie theater.

"Yeah I am!... Are you? He, he, just kidding." I smile.

"Well you are going to love it," he say's as he pays for the tickets.

"Well, I'll be the judge of that."

"Whatever you say, but afterwards you'll be the one hearing an 'I told you so.'"

"We'll see." I say, and then laugh.

When we walk into the theater the previews have already started, so quickly, in the dark, we find a seat, a little closer in front because I guess this is a really great movie. Oh well, I guess that I'll just have to crane my neck in a semi-uncomfortable way.

In one of the previews, it shows a man and his son looking for a rock or something, and the son giving him the rock as a present. I don't really know. It was like John Carter. No one really understood what it was supposed to be about (unless they read the book), or they saw the movie and it was only okay. I didn't see that one, and I'm not too sure about this one either.

"What the-" I say once the preview has ended.

"I have no flippen clue what that was supposed to be about." He say's.

"Yeah, like, what the crap. Oh well. Weird people who make weird movies that aren't good at all and that no one want's to see."

Then I hear someone whisper, "I wanted to see that."

Oh, oops.

I turn my face to Elijah, and try so hard not to laugh because it's just so funny to me that I opened my big (literally, big, well, wide) mouth while someone else had an opinion about it. His face begins to form into a smile too, and we just sit there trying not to bust out laughing, while another preview goes.

Finally the movie starts and we're sitting there quietly when Elijah starts playing footsie's with me.

I laugh a little and whisper, "Eli, stop."

He continues to do that until I reach my hand over to stop it. But, of course, one arm is no match for one leg.      So I sat there trying to stop him, laughing, but unable to.

Finally when I look back up I see that I've missed a lot.

"Okay, now is the time that you need to whisper to me what I have missed because of what you caused ME to miss." I whisper.

"Okay, well that wasn't my fault. It was your own choosing to try to stop my leg. But I'll tell you." He say's quietly. "So just barely the captain of the plain has gotten on board, everything seems pretty fine but-"

"No, no, I just saw that. Before it."

"Ugh, well-"

Then, suddenly the girl in front of us turns around, angry faced, and says almost yelling, "You guys are the most annoying couple ever! Will you just shut up for two seconds and let everyone else enjoy the movie?"

"Oops. Sorry."

"Sshh!"

Wait, did she say couple?

I want to talk to mention this to Elijah and see if he noticed too, but I'm afraid that she'll get mad at us again.

We sit there in silence (well, partial because the movie is going), and I hear Eli make a yawn, and feel him stretch his arm over my shoulders. And as weird as it is, I like the feel of it, and I don't move away. In fact I move more into him so that I am sheltered in the crook of his arm. We stay like that for the rest of the movie, and don't say another word. I think that he heard her.

I have decided that I am beautiful. Just now. Everyone compliments me on how I look. I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, but a couple of my friends have told me that they're jealous of me. I ask them why, and they ask, why not? I'm not saying that I am into myself (because I am not at all) but I am just saying that I feel pretty. prettier than usual. I love it when someone says that I look cute, and that day I don't feel cute at all. So yeah.

So suck it freakin' publicity, crappy people who say that girls have to look a certain way, because we don't. Sure, it is always good to love yourself and take care of yourself, but you guys who make fun of people for looking a certain way suck. That doesn't make us feel better. Nope. I always feel like a freakin' fatty. So thanks  world for all that you do. You are so nice to all of us girls that are just "cute" in the world.

I AM beautiful! And so is every other girl in the world. Faults and all. We all have to remember that beauty is what comes from within, not that attracts every guy within a 10 mile radius.

Like what this one make-up commercial says, "Pretty is what you are. Beauty is what you make of it." That is true in every single form.

Well, anyways, I got off on a little tangent there. Sorry. But I got to go. I have school in the morning and I'm not even ready for bed yet. So good night! Or good morning, or afternoon wherever you are! :)