My First Christmas In Heaven

This is one of my most favorite Christmas poems.

My first Christmas In Heaven I see the countless

Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas 

Choir up here. I have no words to tell you, 

The joy their voices bring.

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart

But I am not so far away. WE really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.

For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a

brain tumor that he had battle for 4 years. He died on

December 14, 1997. He gave this to his Mom before he

died. His name was Ben.

Have you ever had the feeling of what you think is love, but you're not really sure? I have that a lot. In fact with someone that I've previously written about by the name of Hunter Gruwell.

I don't know what to do about this feeling. Everyday at lunch I see this girl (who has said that she doesn't like Hunter, but I don't believe her) walk right up to him and put her arms around his neck and just stand there, slightly pressing herself to his stomach. I don't ever quite know what to think about it, so I just look away and try not to glare at her.

I wish that I could just understand this feeling that I am having. Is it love, or is it just infatuation?

Paying Attention

CHAPTER NINETEEN

I am walking out of English, and I am not very happy. My Test score say's 92%. What? I was aiming for 100%, 95% at the lowest. But a 92%? I just can't believe it. I studied fricken hard for the test and I get a 92%? That's fricken pathetic! Jeez! Just when you think that you were perfectly prepared. And one of the worst parts is that I know the questions I missed as well. Right after Mr. Rice took my paper I almost immediately remembered. Jeez.

"Hey Sam!" Elijah walks up to me. He's wearing his regular. Jean's and a T-shirt with his tennis shoes, Only today he has his hair slightly messed up in the look of hot preppy/skater boy. Yeah, girls should be jealous that he's my best friend, because don't get me wrong, just because he's my friend and I don't see him that way, there's no denying that he's a pretty hot guy.

"Hey Elijah." I smile up at him.

"Hey, so do you want to come to my Halloween party? It's Saturday, so tomorrow, at seven."

"Yeah, absolutely!" I say.

"Great." He smiles. "I'll see you there." But before he walks away he looks at me again, giving me a look that I don't quite understand. Some boys. They are just so confusing when they don't need to be.

***

"Hey Sam." Daniel quickly sidles up next to me while I'm walking to my last class. "Can I walk you to class?"

I laugh. "Sure, but it's just right here." I point to the door.

He smiles. "Well I guess that I did it before I even had to ask you."

"I guess so." I smile up at him.

He reaches his hand over to me and grabs the hem of my jacket. "So will I get to see you tonight?"

"Hmm, depends. You know I have such a busy schedule." I say sarcastically.

"Is that so?"

"Yup." 

"Well, I must incorporate myself into that schedule somehow."

"Yeah you must."

"So is that a yes?"

"Yes." I reply.

"I can't wait."

"Mean either." 

The one minute bell rings shortly after, so we have to walk away from each other, even though I really don't want to. Hmm, tonight. I wonder what will happen.

***

"So are you doing anything tonight, girls? It is date night tonight. So the house is yours. You can invite a few friends over." Mom say's during dinner. "But, if you throw a party, then you will be in big trouble."

"Okay." Mariah and I reply in unison. Mom really shouldn't worry about me because I hate party's. I guess maybe with Mariah she has to worry a little bit, but even then, we're both pretty chill. I don't know why she's getting so stern. Maybe I'm just over thinking too much, like I tend to do a lot. Hmm.

"So how was school?" Dad chimes in.

"Meh. It was school." I reply. "AND I got a 92% on my English test today. Can you believe it? Me? I should have gotten a 95 or 100% on it. But no. I got a 92%."

"No!" Mariah say's sarcastically. 

"Shut up." I say. I know she's teasing me because I'm such an English nerd.

"What about you Mariah?"

She's sits quietly for a moment, then just shrugs her shoulders. It's so strange. She'll have her moments, like just barely, where she will seem perfectly normal, but then she'll go back into this stage. I really want to punch that one girl in the boob that hurt my baby sister. And I'll do it hard, because it hurts bad on a girl. Like really bad. I've experienced it before. Not fun.

"Mariah?" Dad say's again.

"It was okay I guess."

And just like that, everyone is quiet. I'm sure mom and dad are thinking about how drastically her personality has changed. I want to help her so bad, but I don't know how. 

***

Dinner is over and I am standing just outside Mariah's room, looking in. 

"Mariah? Are you okay?"

"Yeah." She say's solemnly. She is laying on her bed, facing at the wall opposite the door.

"Hey, I just want to let you know that you are welcome to hang out with me and my friends any time you want."

"Thanks." She stay's that way, not moving.

"So listen, I'm really sorry that you lost your friends," I am trying to say as sensitive as possible, "but you can't just let it eat at you like that. I know that this sounds a little Full Housie, but you just seem sad all of the time, and I hate to see you like this."

"She hurt me Sam." 

"I-I know. And she shouldn't have done that. It was wrong."

"She hurt me, and now I don't have any friends."

"But you do. You have me and my friends-"

"I don't have any friends." She interrupts. "I lost them all."

I have no idea what to say to that. So all I say is, "Well just remember that you are always welcome with me and my friends." And then I walk away and leave her there.

***

Friday, October 30 5:40 p.m.

Dear Diary,

So you know how I said one or two weeks ago that I was dreading going on that date with Daniel Crass? He, he, he. I guess that I was right in not knowing what the future had in store for me. I just thought that he was a complete and thoughtless jerk. Thoughtless yes, but jerk, no. I was wrong about him.

We kissed. I know, I know, what was I thinking? I hadn't even wanted to go out with him for the second date. But as I said before, you can never tell what the future has in store for you.

I feel crazy. We kissed (made out) on my front porch one time, and now I just can't get him out of my head. Granted too that it was a pretty FANTASTIC kiss. I want to experience it again, and I just might within a few hours. We set up a time to hang out tonight. He's coming over to pick me up. I just can't wait. It should be so much fun!

Anyway's that's all that I pretty much have to say to you at the moment. I hope that I'll have the memory to right to you again soon. Love ya!

***

"Are you ready?" Daniel say's once I open the door.

"Ready for what?" I smile up at him while I wave a goodbye to mom as I shut the door.

"Oh, you'll see."

"Oh, so it's a surprise. I like surprises."

"Who doesn't?"

"Crazy people." I laugh.

He laughs with me as he opens my door for me. That is just something that I will never get over.

When he gets in the car I notice a pile of CD's on his dash. I reach over and pick them up.

"What are these? Oh, Led Zeplin, Bon Jovi, Journey, The Beatles. Good bands. Can I put in one?"

"Yeah, go for it."

I take The Beatles one and put it in. Almost immediately Can't Buy Me Love starts playing. A classic.

"So I didn't know that you were into The Beatles." He say's while I am singing along quietly.

"Oh, yeah!" I reply. "The Beatles are the best band ever! I mean, don't get me wrong, I do like Led Zeplin, and I do love Bon Jovi and Journey, love them all, but there can never be as great of a band as The Beatles."

"Well what do ya know. We have something seriously in common. I have not met a girl in a while that knows, or has even heard of, these bands."

"Really? They're all pretty popular."

"They were, let's say, very popular themselves."

"Ah, I see, didn't really care about those kind's of things, like music."

"Yeah."

I start listening to the music again, and now Hey Jude is on. I am getting really into the music (closing my eyes and everything), just as I feel the car stop.

"Where are we?" I ask, turning to him.

"First of all, you know that tradition that goes on here that say's you can't become a true Falcon until you've kissed someone by the bird?"

"Yeah." I say smiling.

He gives me a look and then gets out of the car, quickly running to my side to open my door. He has a look of complete and utter excitement as he takes my hand to help me out. Hand in hand, he leads me to a tree located by the green house, and by that tree is 'the bird', a black and gold statue of our mascot. I can feel my heart beating at a hundred miles an hour. I feel so happy that he has chosen me to be the girl that he kisses here. I sadly, don't feel like the first. But, I don't really want to think about that right now. I just want to think about the fact that I am here with him.

Once we reach it, he gently pushes me against the cold statue and simply says, "You ready to become a true Falcon?"

I smile at him in reply, and he leans his head down toward's me, pressing his mouth against mine. Excitement bursts through me, and I put my arms around his neck, pushing him against me as much as he can. He responds by bringing one hand up to hold the back of my head, his fingers threading through my hair, whil his other hand slithers its way up; first resting on my waist, then on my ribs, and when I don't stop him, he finds a spot perfectly on my boob, his hand not moving from its position. 

I know that I should move his hand away so that he doesn't think that he can just do that. But I don't. I can't. It just feels too good there, and I just love the was his hand feels perfectly there. Instead, I push myself against him more, and feel the warmth of his body radiating all over me. He feels so good. I bring down one of my hands and rest it against his chest. It's not difficult to tell that he has worked for this body that I feel beneath my fingertips. Quickly in reaction to that, his tongue presses against my lips, asking for entrance. I comply and feel his tongue begin a dance with my own. I bite his lower lip gently, and he moans in reply. 

I have to come up for air, for all of this is really taking the breath out of me. With that he looks down at me, brushes the hair off of my neck, and then leans down and begins kissing me there. I close my eyes, my mouth slightly open, feeling him, with his arms around me, kiss me. I never thought that the neck would feel so good because I've never experienced it before, but it feels pretty fantastic. His lips trace my neck, then my earlobe, and then make a path back to my lips. If I'm not careful, this could get out of hand. 

"That was a fantastic kiss." I say out of breath, pulling away. 

"You are a great kisser." He say's, just as winded.

"Well, thank you."

"Oh, wait, I forgot something."

"What was-" I don't even have time to finish before he is kissing me again, almost harder, his teeth biting my lips now. I want it so bad, but I also know that I need to stop before we regret something. 

"Daniel." I say, pulling away, but he just simply goes down to my neck. When he doesn't stop, I try saying it again louder, but he still doesn't seem to hear. "Daniel!" He pulls away, but is just inches from my lips.

"This was really great," I say. "What else should we do?" And I walk away from him, imagining him staring at my back, hoping that he'll respect me for this. 

Creepy Story I Just Came Up With

"I still feel the warmth of her skin under my fingertips. Still hear the sound of her angelic voice, resonating in my ears, locking itself in my brain. I can still see those blue eyes, boring into me, seeing something that I have never seen myself before. And still, I feel her ghost around me, though I know that she's not here.

"Here is the story of how Anna Sawyer became gone forever.

"It all started on Monday. We were both in the kitchen discussing I don't even remember what, as we prepared our evening meal. She had said that I looked handsome, but that I needed to shave. The scruff on my cheeks would scratch her every time she kissed me. So of course I did.

"We went to bed that night, happy, laughing underneath the comforter. She screamed each time I would press the sensitive part at her waist, and then burst into laughter, pushing herself against me. It felt so good to have her there. You can't possibly believe that I'd kill her, can you?

"While dreaming I heard something strange. I opened my eyes, confused as to what the sound could be. I decided that it was apart of my dream, and that I shouldn't worry about anything. Before I had closed my eyes, I faintly recall a shadow cross the window, but that was more than likely to happen, considering that there was a tree just by it, and a wind could have blown it. With that I had been satisfied.

"The next day we proceeded with our usual system. But throughout the day I kept on thinking that I would see a man through the window's all about the apartment  watching her. It couldn't be though, I had thought; it was just a trick of my imagination. It wasn't until that night that I knew something was strange.

"Anna had gone to bed early, and I stayed up to investigate what I thought I was seeing. Around the apartment I went, keeping a close eye out for anything mysterious that might catch my view. At two in the morning I woke up to a clatter outside when I saw him again, staring at me with cats eyes. There was no denying now that he was real. I had seen him. A chill had gone down my spine while we stared each other down. I would have stayed that way too had not Anna called me, wondering where I was. I had gone to her quickly, telling her that I just was staying up late to finish a movie. She had pushed herself against me once more, but to my dismay it seemed as if she was scared. I felt her shiver a few times before her heart had calmed down once more, and she went back to a slow and steady breathing. My eyes had started to get heavy; but before they shut I vaguely remember the indistinct shadow. The same shadow of the night before. With that, I pulled her against me closer, so as not to loose her to this almost figurative shadow.

"Now you may think me mad, or crazy, or whatever you want to call it. But I am telling you the truth! I loved  Anna Sawyer with all my heart! She was my wife.

"Wednesday was two days before she died. I had a fleeting feeling that something was going to happen to her that I could not stop. But for me, that did not matter. I was going to protect her no matter what. As the day wore on though, neither of us could deny the uncomfortable feelings that we were getting. I had tried to hide my emotions, but around her I was like an open book. She could read everything on my face. I could see her fear too, masked underneath her undying love for making people happy. She had smiled for most of the day. Most.

"It was night again when I saw him for the third time. Just like the time before, he did not attempt to hide himself from me. At that time, Anna was clearing the dishes from our dinner, and saw my attention intensely grabbed. She had followed my eyes to the window, and that's when I heard the plate smash to the floor. Instinctively I looked over to her, and she stared at the man with stone eyes. She had asked me who the man was, and I responded just as scared that I didn't know. A moment later he had vanished like a flame when blown from a wick.

"Neither of us had known what to do. We couldn't call the police because we didn't know who the man was, or where he went. All we could do was stay close together. That night she was as a stone. She did not move at all.

"Thursday had come and gone, and I couldn't help think throughout that day that this man had been stalking her as a vulture to his prey, and she didn't know that it had been going on all week. I dared not tell her, for I did not want to raise her anxiety. Thursday night I gave her the most tender of kisses a man can ever give.

"Friday arose, and I was anxious throughout the whole day; through work, and on the car ride home. I was so fearful for her. Why was this man watching her like that?

"Once through the door I had felt her slender arms tighten about my neck. I knew something was wrong, and I had asked her what was it? But she simply shook her head, told me that she didn't want to talk, and we cuddled on the couch, hoping to drown out our thoughts with a comedy. But that hadn't helped much. At least not for me.

"Again, she went to bed early this last night, and I stayed up investigating. Again, it was the same system as that of Tuesday, but I never saw this man. That is, I never saw him through the windows.

"At length, when sleep had started to faze my eyes I heard a scream from our room. It was a scream of which no one wants to hear at all through their lives. I quickly ran in there. And in the room I saw them: him over top of her on the bed, his hand pressing against her mouth to stifle the screams, and while doing, he put one knee in between her legs to push them apart. Don't ask me why he was doing this, in our house, with me there, trying to rape her in front of me, but he was.

"Yelling, I ran up to him and had yanked him off of her. I began beating him when my wife's hand pushed me away. She had told me not to kill him. To call the police and be done with it. With that pause it hadn't taken him long to lift up his leg and kick me in the ribs, causing me to double over. But I quickly recovered from the pain, and began attacking me again, but now, he had the head start, pushing me to the ground and giving me what I had given him. I had heard Anna talking to someone on the phone, my guess the police, and hear the crying in her voice. This was enough for me to find all of my will power and push this man away from me for a moment and give myself leverage to fight him off again. As I had face him on my feet, he had pulled a gun out and pointed it at me. Fear filled my mind, but it was mostly for what he would do to Anna after I would die. But.... As you can see, I never died. Anna's screams mingled with my own as she jumped in front of me just as the trigger was pulled. The image of her lying lifelessly on our bedroom floor still torments me. Her blood pooling about her.

"I called her name, screamed it eventually, but she never answered. It was too late.

"I had looked up at the man who took my wife, and crying, I ran up to him, pulled the gun out of his hand, and killed him. That is what police saw when they came into the apartment. Me with the gun, and two people dead. I can see how you would be very convinced that I was the one who killed my wife. But I just killed the man who deserved it. He was the one that killed my wife. I think that justice has been payed enough. Wont you people release me?"

"He seems to be telling the truth." Whispered Deputy Fitzgerald into the Sheriff's ear. "See, he's crying now."

"Yes," Said the Sheriff. "But there are many people who are good actors. It's hard to know for sure."

"But sir-"

"We don't know if he's lying yet, you hear?"

"Yes, sir."

"Now William Sawyer, would you be so kind as to answer our questions at the police station?"

He looked at the two with grief and despondency, and knew that they didn't believe him. It would be a long time before justice was truly satisfied.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN


I feel a slight eagerness as I walk into school to see Daniel. I know, surprise, surprise, but ever since he kissed me I can't quite get him out of my head. Is it crazy to have dream's with him in it, five nights in a roe? I sure hope not, because that is what has been happening to me. I just want to see him, hold him, kiss him. Be with him. Wow, I never thought I'd be thinking that after the first crappy date, but I guess that you never know what fantastic things the future will bring you.

I'm so caught up in my own thinking that I almost miss Jeremie walk away in the opposite direction.

"I'll meet up with you in a minute." I say to Mariah, and then dash off to catch up with him. In a moment it seems, I'm holding his arm.

"Jeremie! Hey! I almost feel like I haven't seen you in three day's!" I laugh at my own stupid joke, but he doesn't respond. He just stands there, looking away from me.

"Hey." I say quieter. "Are you okay?"

"Um." He seem's uncertain, like if he tell's me something he'll be in trouble.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I say quickly. "I can tell that you don't want to talk. But just letting you know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here." I smile, and then just as I'm about to walk away he grabs my arm and looks down at me.

"Thanks Sam."

And I know that right now that is all that needs to be said, so I walk away, leaving him with his thoughts.

***

"So back to Abigail." Say's Mr. Rice. "She and her friends have accused over twenty to twenty five people, who have either had to give up their land and livelihoods, or have been so determined not to admit to a lie that they have been killed. Now she is looking to get rid of John Proctor's wife, Elizabeth Proctor. So tell me, "he says, his voice raising in pitch, "why she would even think to do that?"

"Because she's a hoe, and John Proctor decided that she was easy, but then felt guilty about it later." Say's Seth Myers. I think that he's actually more into this story than he's trying to let on.

"Pretty much." Mr. Rice say's, laughing. "So why did she accuse all of those innocent people, and basically commit murder, but still, she kept it up, not stopping. Why did she do that?"

"Because she was scared that she would get caught. And she also wanted to get rid of Elizabeth because she wanted Proctor for herself."

"Yes! Thank you Addie. So now that I'm certain that you all have pretty much all of it down, we're going to watch the movie. And I would pay attention if I were you. Not just because it's good, but because we're going to have a test on this next week."

The class let's out a large groan, but I feel excitement because I am a HUGE English nerd and I want to get one-hundred percent on it. But if I don't get that, I guess that I can settle for ninety-five percent on it. I better get one-hundred though. If not, oh well I guess. 

Homecoming Pictures, and others














This is a picture of me and a few of my friends at our school color fest about an hour before the football game with our rival's, Mountain View (Poo) started.
P.S. We won. Score: 36 to 19. Yeah. :-)



This is us during the game after getting blue and yellow food-colored flour thrown at us. Pretty awesome looking I'd say.

So homecoming is tomorrow and I am so excited! Hunter (guy I like and my first kiss) asked me and we're going! This will be our first real date. He's asked me out like ten times, but each time something has come up, and one of the times was for sweethearts last year. That one sucked, but he did have a concussion so I guess that he kind of has an excuse there. Other times were... oh I don't even remember, but yeah. This will be our first official date and I just can't wait! And for all those that have never been asked to a dance, I understand. I have been there. You here all the girls talking about it, and then you think, I don't want to hear this, I wasn't asked. But I also understand the other side with the girls that were asked because they sometimes don't want to talk about anything else. That's how I was last year with prom. I was talking about my dress and stuff and one of my friends got mad at me because she did get asked but ended up getting in a fight with her prom date, and so the date was off. At least I think. I don't have all of the details.

But yeah. I just can't wait! I'm FINALLY going out with the guy that I like. Funny thing is though, that for prom last year, one of my other friends, who's name is also Hunter, asked me. So so far two Hunter's have asked me to a dance. Kinda funny.

Anyway's that all for my rambling of the day. Bye my fellow readers! :D

Paying Attention

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN


I pick up the paper that has Daniel's number on it. I didn't realize this before, but I never entered it into my phone. I'll do it now, really quick. There. Now that I've done that I can say what I wanted to text him.

"Hey."

He text's me back second's later. "Who is this?"

"That, I cannot tell you."

"Um. Creepy. Who is this?"

"I just told you I can't tell you. But I will tell you this. I know where you live."

I am just laughing now. This is so fricken hilarious! I don't know why I didn't think to do this before.

"Seriously. Ur really creeping me out. WHO IS THIS?"

Now I'm really letting my laughter loose.

"That is for me to know, and for you to ATTEMPT to figure out."

"If u don't tell me soon I'm gonna call someone. I don't know who, but someone."

Wow. I've really got him. Well I'd better tell him now before he does something stupid.

I call him. He picks up on the first ring.

"Who is this?" He shouts.

I talk slowly, and lower, trying to keep the creepy prank up. "Try and figure out who I am through my voice."

He is quiet for a moment. I take that as a signal to keep on talking. I raise my voice up a little. To my more normal pitch. It's still lowish, but (hopefully) a little more sexy. "You now who I am."

"Uh, I don't know. Um, Heather?"

"Heather?" I say incredulously. "No. Who's Heather by the way?"

"Why should I tell you? I don't even know you."

"Ugh. You will once you guess me right."

He's quiet for a moment. "Hmm. You're voice does sound familiar."

"As it should."

"Sam?"

"Yes!"

"Sam, you scared the friggen crap outta me!"

"I noticed."

"How did you get my number?"

"Um, you gave it to me."

"Oh yeah! Now I sort of remember."

"Good for you." I say teasingly.

"So what's up?"

"Not much. Just thought I'd scare the crap outta you. And it worked! Ha ha!"

"Okay, let me correct you on something. I wasn't that scared. Just a little bit. But not terribly."

"Ptsh. Whatever! I totally had you peeing your pants."

"Nope."

I sigh, knowing that I am completely right, and he is just a big fat liar. But, whatever. I guess you can't have everything.

"So what have you been up to today?...." He say's, and then are just talking. Just as easily as we were the first day we met each other. Or I guess I should say 're-met' each other. We talked for an hour before we both had to go down for dinner.

***

"So how was school today?" Mom ask's as we pass the food around.

"Meh. It was school. It was okay I guess." I say after a second. You know, these question's I never know how to respond to. I always try to go over my day in my mind, but I can never think of anything interesting to say. I decided when I was about five that this was the best and easiest answer.

"What about you Mariah?"

She's quiet before saying, "It was okay."

"Wow you two girls live an exciting life." Dad teases. 

I smile back while rolling my eye's. "Yeah, I know right? It's the best one a teenager can come up with."

"I wonder what you two will come up with when you become adults, like me and your dad."

"Uh-uh." I say, putting my glass of water down. "Ain't gonna happen. You see we're (at least I am) going to have a super cool job where I can keep my childhood alive and never really get old. Like.... Never mind." I should really stop while I'm ahead.

"Like what?" Mom say's. "Like us?" She give's me a smile, but the kinda smile that is indescribably happy/a little scary. Like she's going to tickle me, or throw the roll on her plate at me, kind of face.

"I never said anything. Or at least never finished anything." I complete under my breath. 

"Don't think we didn't hear that." Dad say's, and both him and mom look at each other, give a little nod, and look back at me. Oh crap, what are they gonna do?

"You think we're old, huh?" Mom say's, laughing a little, even though I insulted them a little. They both stick their fingers in their glasses and flick the water at me. It's not a whole lot, but it's enough for me to want to lift my napkin up and shield my face. 

"Okay, okay!" I shout. "You're not old! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"You better be sorry!" Mom laugh's. I know that they just want to mess around with me, just like I want to mess around with them. They both stare at me, laughter in their eye's. I'm sure I have laughter in my eye's too, considering that I am laughing.

"Some people's children." I sigh. They sigh too. We laugh a little more, and then go back to eating. 

"So you've been quiet Mariah." Mom say's. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. I'm not feeling super great, that's all."

"Oh, honey. I'm sorry."

"Can I stay home tomorrow?"

"That depends on how sick you are."

"I'm really not feeling good."

"Okay. Well after dinner I'll check on you. But if you really are doing good than you're going to school."

"Fine." She say's, almost like she doesn't care. But I know why she doesn't want to go. Because of her traitorous friends who abandoned her because they thought that she was the sceezy slut. Jeez, if I was being treated like that, I wouldn't want to go to school either. 

We soon finish dinner, and dad and I are left to doing the dishes. 

"So kiddo, what have you been up to?"

"Not much. Except we are reading The Crucible in English right now, and I think that it's pretty cool."

"That is a great play. Arthur Miller wrote that, right?"

"Yup."

"Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

"Nope."

"Nothing that has to do with Mariah acting so different - almost depressed - these couple weeks?"

Oh man, he know's me too well. But I don't know if I should tell dad or not, because that's her business. It's not like she made me swear not to tell anyone, but still. 

"Sam?"

"Have you asked her yet?" I say reluctantly. 

"Sort of, but she just brushed it off and said that she's fine."

I sigh, then I slowly start to let the words come out. "Well, she told me that one of her 'friends'," I lift my finger's up in quotation's, "started saying a bunch of crap about her. And I guess that it's all because her 'friend' caught Mariah kissing the guy this girl liked. And so then she told me that the girl told her to back off because he was her boyfriend, but Mariah said that she didn't know. And so the girl called her a slut. And now she - obviously - feel's bad, because she lost all of her friends, because they decided to go against her and side with the biatch, excuse my language, and she's also hurt by that guy. I honestly believe though, that this girl is just full of bull, and that she really isn't going out with him. So yeah, that's what's going on.... Oh, and please don't tell her I told you."  I say quickly.

"I wont." He's reply's after a second. "And thank you for telling me. I think that she deserves some good friends for a change."

"I agree."

Paying Attention

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Saturday night was nearly impossible for me to fall asleep. I kept on pressing my fingers to my lips, trying to feel them the same way that Daniel did. I still can't get him out of my head. I am sitting up in my bed. It's Monday morning, and I just can't wait to see him at school today. I have got to make myself look good today.

Okay. I'm looking in my closet, but all that I see is clothes. I know right, I'd hope that they'd be there, but what I mean is that nothing is popping out at me. Ugh. I'll just have to wear my dark skinny's, with my purple shirt and fake black leather jacket. And maybe I'll wear my lace up boots to go along with it. It is the beginning of October. It's starting to get a little chilly. Now for a little makeup. Cool. I look pretty good. And I think that I'll wear a little bit of some red lipstick. Yeah, that looks good. Now I am ready to go.

***

At lunch Mariah and I walk along together down the hallway to the cafeteria. I grab her hand because it's so flippin crowded; a hungry hoard of kids fighting there way to the front of the line. Jeez. 

"So what do they have today?" I ask.

"I don't know. I can't see the menu."

"Oh jeez."

We keep on walking, bumping into people, trying to find the beginning of a line, any line, but then I give up. What's the point in waiting all of lunch in a line when you're not even going to have time to eat any of the food?

"How about we just go to the vending machines?" I say. But right now I'm thinking that I can just get a low calorie juice, because of the weight that I want to take off.

"Good idea." She replies. 

We push our way through again, body upon body relentlessly pushing us back, and I just ignore them until I walk straight into one that is muscular. And tall I can tell. I look up to say sorry, and when I do I see that it's Daniel, smiling down at me with that warm melting one that he like's to give me.

"Hey." He say's, looking down at me.

"Hi." I say shortly, quickly looking down at my feet. What the crap do I do? I don't know how to act in these situation's. Why is this wonderful guy looking down at me like that?

"So, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out this Saturday again. It doesn't have to be a date, like the other night. Unless you want it to be." He gives me a mischievous smile, and I can tell that he's thinking about our kiss the other night, and hopefully, on what a fantastic kisser I am.

Mariah look's at me, confused. I can tell that she's going over the contradicting things that are happening at this very instant. But I can't help it, I smile up at him and say that I'd love to hang out with him.

"Great!" He say's excitedly. I try to hide my satisfaction of him being so excited about that, but I can't. It's just too pleasurable.

"So I thought that you never wanted to go out with 'What's His Bucket' ever again." I hear Mariah say once Daniel is out of ear shot.

"Yeah, I know. But on our date Saturday night we talked about it, and he apologized, and everything's good now."

"Everything's good. For some reason I just can't believe that."

"Well I just am quick to forgive I guess. Sue me."

"Hmm. There's just something else. You know, when you were talking to him just-" She stops suddenly and then I can almost see the person clicking on the light in her head when she get's a big smile on her face. "Did he kiss you?"

I bite my lower lip, giving away everything. I'm actually surprised that my poker face lasted this long.

"Shut up!" She screams excitedly.

All I can do is smile, which is good enough because she know's me well enough that it will always be days before I talk about something. Even something as awesome as this.

Across the lunch room I see Jeremie. I smile and wave to him, but all that he returns is a small wave and, not even, a smile. I am confused. Usually when I see him he's super happy and funny. Now he's hardly even looking at me. What did I do?

The bell signaling that lunch has ended, rings, and I smile again, and start walking away to my fourth period class, English. Best class ever! (And I'm being totally serious when I say that.)

***

"So why do you think that Abigail is a total witch in The Crucible?" Say's Mr. Rice.

"Because she is." Say's Seth Myer's. Super cute, sort-of funny, and big ego.

"That is completely true. But give me an explanation at to why."

I raise my hand shyly. "Because she didn't want to get into trouble, and neither did her friends. That's why they were blaming everyone."

"Yes. Thank you Sam. That is it. And why do you think that the girl would have been punished for a thing like that? I mean, they were just dancing around, naked in the woods. Why does that matter?"

Another kid answers, this time one of the popular girls. I don't remember her name. Oh well.

"Because," she say's in a high, surprisingly sweet voice. "That was basically against their law, and they also committed witch craft, which was an even worse thing to do back then."

"Exactly. It was pretty much as bad as committing adultery."

"That's stupid. And also, if those girls were so bored that they decided to do it, and they shouldn't have, then they should have lived with the consequences. Not kill like, tons of people." The same girl reply's.

"I agree completely." Mr. Rice continues as the bell cuts him off. "Okay now for homework, I want you to write a one paged report on what you think should have happened to those girls." He shout's as everyone walks out the door, many trying to pretend that they didn't hear him.

I walk out into the hall, trying to stuff a paper into my backpack while maneuvering around crowds of friends that decided that the most perfect place for them to stop is right in the middle of the hall. Yeah, thanks. I only have enough space through this small little hole that you've left everyone. Nice.

All of the sudden I run into someone and I drop my bag. The person quickly bends down and picks it up for me. I look up at the person and I see that it's Jeremie.

"Hey! How are you? I saw you at lunch today but I didn't have time to come over and talk."

He just shrugs in response, still not looking directly at me. Jeez, what's his deal?

"Um, are you okay?" I ask.

"Yeah. A little tired. But, that happen's."

"Yeah, that it does happen. That it does." I say, trying (unsuccessfully) to make the mood lighter.

He just looks down at me, his grayish/green eye's staring me down.

"Well, have a good day, okay? Get some sleep. We don't want that sleepiness to turn to crankiness." I smile. He try's a half attempt to return the favor, but then just walks away. Okay.

I walk away, after looking down at him for a few seconds, my backpack feeling heavier than it did just moments ago.

Pictures Of Me

That's me and my best friend on my birthday dressing like nerds. Yup.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER FIFTEEN


I wake up to a sound that mixes into my dream. A sound that is like a trains horn, but it just keeps going, it's not stopping. Somewhere in my dream I start to figure out that maybe it's my alarm. So, half asleep I reach over to my dresser and pick up my phone with its ceaseless buzzing that is ringing in my head and hand. I am confused so I press snooze, and then see the time. 10:00 a.m. Maybe just five more minutes. It wont be that long.

Twenty minutes later I am now fully awake, but I just lay here, not doing anything; just thinking. Like when Daniel asked me out. Again. And when it appeared like Jeremie was flirting with me. But hey, who really know's, you know?

I look at the time again. It is now 10:40 a.m. I should get up and ready for the day. I slowly sit up, pop my back, and just sit there for another five minutes.

"Uuhh." I get up, and then turn around to make my bed really fast. Even though I don't care if other people don't make their beds, I can't stand it if mine isn't made. I've become a slight neat freak over the years with my dad constantly commenting on it, and saying how I need to do a better job with it. I know, my dad.

"That's better." I say when I'm done. I walk to the bathroom and do my regular Saturday routines (contacts, brush teeth, wash face, get in the shower), and now I am ready for the day.

Walking back to my room in my towel and wet hair I feel really good about myself. Crazy how cleaning yourself does that.

I'm gonna be a little graphic here, but as I unwrap myself from the towel and throw it into my dirty clothes, I can't help but notice how much better my body looks when I'm naked. I'm serious. Clothes I feel just don't always hang on me right. Oh crap. I am getting a little bit (more like a lot) of a muffin top. That is soooo not good. No, no, no, no, no. Okay. I know what I'm going to do. I'm just not going to eat at all today. Not until the date. Oh crap. The date. Right. But really, for Jeremie, I have to look good. I have to look stylish. No. I have to look elegant like those beautiful women in those old 50's movies.

My stomach let's out a low growl as I contemplate this idea. I'm gonna do it for a few days, and then I'm gonna just eat healthy. I can't let this muffin top get out of control. Absolutely not. If I'm going to eat anything today it's just going to be fruits, and not many. I am going to get smaller, not bigger. I've been self conscious about my weight before, but I didn't realize that it was this bad until just barely. No more sugar for me. Or anything that is fattening.

I can't look at myself anymore, so instead I open up my closet and find something casual/flattering. I think that I'll wear a little makeup today, mix things up. Yeah, I like to keep people on their toes sometimes. It's fun.

Once I'm done I check myself out. Sort of/very adorable. I look at my makeup that I put on, and I look... well, beautiful. I don't always feel that though. Along with that I am wearing dark wash skinny jeans, and a pink plaid, button down shirt. "Hmmm. Not bad."

I pick up my phone and call Alicia. She should be able to help me, not with my makeup, but with this whole Daniel thing. Ugh.

"Hello?"

"Alicia, I need your help. Daniel Crass asked me out again, and he's picking me up tonight. What do I do?"

"Why are you freaking out? It sounds like you have everything under control."

"Yeah, well I don't. This is the second date he's asked me-"

"Oh, yeah. How did the date go?"

"Awful. He paid attention to me, but then around his friends at the party he took me to, he totally ignored me. "

"Wow. That's low."

"Yeah, I know. And he asked me out again because he felt bad, but I don't want to go with him. I've learned that he is really not my type."

"Wow. Um, I don't really know what to tell ya. I guess all I can say is that when he picks you up, don't act too desirable, and make it as awkward as you possibly can so that he wont want to ask you out again."

"Yeah, I thought of that, but what if it doesn't work?"

"And what if it does? A guy only really likes a girl if she is funny and interesting. Oh, and smart. That's at least what I've heard."

"Yeah, I guess that you're right. I just hope that I don't start flirting with him when he's not with his friends. But I guess that's not very likely to happen because his brownie points are very low."

"Ha, ha, I'll say." She laughed. "Well one day you'll find a guy that gives you the attention that you deserve. You just have to wait. And yes, I realize that that was an incredibly corny statement, but, you know what I mean."

I laugh. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Thanks Lici."

"Yup, no prob."

"Bye."

"Bye."

I hang up, and I now know that maybe I really don't need to worry about this. I just need to see where things will go. And who knows what will happen.

***

So the day has flown by without me wanting it to. Now I am dressed cute - but not as cute as before, and I am waiting for Daniel to pick me up again. This time for my outfit I am wearing a baby blue shirt with a coral colored cardigan. I have on my dark wash skinny's, and for my shoes my Egyptianish style sandals. You know, the one's that you clip around your ankles like a belt. Anyway's, this is what I am wearing. I have some makeup on, but for my eyes I only put on some mascara, not nearly as dramatic or sexy as last time. I hope that I don't look too cute. That would be my main problem. I mean, not trying to brag, but I think that I'm a pretty good looking girl. 

Oh jeez. His car just pulled up. Oh crap! What if he is super cute? What do I do then? Ugh! I swear, life can  sometimes be ten times more complicated for a girl, than it is for a guy. Actually, I think it is. 

The doorbell rings and I jump a little even though I was anticipating it. I get up, walk over to the door as coolly as I can, and open the door. Daniel is standing there looking as adorable as ever. But I must remember that this date cannot go well because I don't want to go out with him again. Right? 

"Hey." He says smiling down at me. "How does Red Robin sound?"

"Great." I say, and I feel my stomach tighten up. I haven't eaten all day, and now the thought of eating does not sound appetizing. But hey, it's a date, it shouldn't matter that much. 

We walk to his car and he quickly opens my door for me. I get in and then he run's around the other side of the car and opens his door and get's in next to me. I can tell he's nervous. I can smell his cologne from here. I don't know why he would be. Hmm. Maybe it has to do with how he ruined the last date. Yeah, maybe. 

I am just sitting there, quiet, and I can tell that it's making him uncomfortable. It's making me uncomfortable too, but I don't want to go out with him again. This is the only way.

"Sooo," he say's, finally breaking the silence, "how have you been?"

"Good, good. You?" Nice. Bland. No one really like's a bland person.

"That's good. Um, I've been okay. Doing the usual: going to school, going to work."

"That's cool." I say, even though I'm doing the same thing, except for having a job, and it's not really cool.

"Yeah. So, uh, are you ready for Red Robin?"

"Yup." I say glibly.

"Awesome." We sit there in silence for so long that he finally reaches over and turns on his radio. Oh good. That tension was beginning to be too much for me. And I'm the one making it.

At Red Robin when we finally get our table, sit down, and look at the menu, I can't help but think: am I making a mistake by doing this? I don't know. I just can't stand it anymore, so I put down my menu and look up at him, and say shyly, "Um, can I ask you something?"

He looks up at me, a little surprised that I'm talking. "Sure."

"Um, well, uh, why is it that you didn't, um, pay much attention to me on our last date?" Now the words our out, and I am willing them to come back into my mouth, but they wont. It's too late, he's heard it.

"I'm sorry." I say quickly. "I shouldn't have asked you that right now. I should've waited later." 

He stares at me for a second before saying, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I was doing that. I guess that I had my friends there and they must of distracted me. I'm sorry." He looks sincere with his apology, but I don't want him to do that. No. I want him to be an idiot so that I wont want to go out with him again. 

"So is this the reason why you haven't been talking very much with me tonight?" He continues, and looks me straight in the eyes. Oh crap. I can feel myself wanting to just kiss him, those nice full lips, and say that it's alright. But I know that it's not, so I don't. Also that would just be really embarrassing in the middle of Red Robin.

I shrug, and look away from him. Another thing that I want to tell him is how one of his friends smacked my butt, but I don't. I just sit there quietly and pick up my menu again. I think that I'll have the crispy chicken salad. That sounds good.

"And is that the reason that you left early too?" He says.

I look up at him, but don't answer. I hear him curse under his breath then say, "I'm sorry Sam. I really am. I swear that I wont do that again. Scouts honor." He say's smiling, lifting up one hand and doing the sign. I can't help but laugh a little because he's just so cute. "I knew I would make you laugh." He say's, laughing a little himself, and I feel comfortable with him again, even though I don't want to.

***

As he walks me up to my door, his hands are in his pockets, practically buried in there. Then, carefully, when we're just five feet from my door, in the corner of my eyes I see him pull his right hand out of his pocket and have it barely graze the small of my back. 

"I had a really good time tonight." I say turning to him, fiddling with my keys. 

He moves his hand quickly, probably thinking that I didn't notice it there, and runs it through his hair. "Yeah, me too. Thanks for going out with me again, even after I was an idiot."

"Hey, it's okay. It's all water under the bridge."

He stares down at me, and I see a nervous look in his eyes. I walk towards him a little, hoping that he's getting the hints that I'm throwing at him. What with the keys, the step forward. These signs are all in the movie Hitch. I hope that he's at least caught onto that. 

"I really had a good time tonight." He says quieter now, and he's now leaning down towards me. I'm not quite sure what to do now, but his lips are on mine, and they are just so good. I kiss him back and press my lips to him more and put one hand on his shoulder, and the other on his chest. My tongue accidentally brushes his lips without my even meaning to. He recognizes it, and immediately his tongue is dancing with my own. It's a little weird, but it feels, strangely, good. His arms go around my waist, and he pulls me against him. My hands, now forced to go around his neck, are now tangling in his hair. It feels so good, but I know that soon enough mom will notice and come to the window by the door, so I pull away from him. 

"Goodnight." I whisper.

"Maybe one more." He say's quietly, and now he's kissing me again. But now he has one hand at the small of my back, and the other cradling my head. But I have to go. I can practically feel mom coming to the window.

"Goodnight." I say again, smiling, and give him a soft kiss. Then I pull away and walk the extra few steps to my door. I open it and walk in, and while I'm closing it I smile at him. He's standing where I left him just a second ago, and has a big, fat smile on his face. 

"See you Monday?" He say's a little breathless. I can hear him still breathing a little hard from here. Man, I did a good job. 

"See you Monday." I reply, and slowly shut the door. I turn around and lean against the door. I can't believe what just happened. This wasn't supposed to happen. But I am definitely not sad that it did. But now, the first thing I do before I walk up to my room is check my lips in the entryway mirror to make sure that they're not going to give me away to mom. I'm good. Oh man, I never thought I'd say this before, but I cannot wait until Monday.

Win a Great Fight

Wrapped in a good life,

Wrapped in a bad life.

Sometimes we don't know 

how to stop the strife.

Swallowed in faith,

Swallowed in confusion.

Sometimes we don't know

how to stop the illusion.

Contortions of this,

Contortions of that.

Will we ever stop 

acting like deranged rats?

We think what we feel,

We feel what we must.

Will we ever get to

have any trust?

Feeling love,

Feeling pain.

It seems to be a

never ending rain.

But in the light,

But in the dark,

We see the

endless moving apart.

When will we stop?

When will we remember?

The good times, the bad,

all the times together?

When is enough?

When are we through?

When will we stop

this never-ending brew?

Of lie's?

Of treachery?

These thing's, and more, run

through all our history.

I don't know I like it.

I don't know I care,

for deceitfulness, crimes,

it should all be there.

But with the good,

But with the bad.

We all live here together

so don't you be sad.

So raise up your arms,

So raise up your voice.

We can all be in it together;

it's our singular choice.

Do what you can.

Do what you might.

But I think we all

can win a great fight.

When I watched this video just below, I was crying. This girl is really an amazing person. I don't know if you will be able to watch it, but if you can't just go to Youtube, and watch it there. She is inspiring.

Now, you're the first to know.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Thursday, September 20 6:42 p.m.
Dear Diary,
I know that I don't write in you very often, but I just thought that today seemed like a great day to tell you how I feel about this life that I live in. My high school life. Now I know that about 98% of the people on earth have never had a perfect high school life (don't really know about the other 2%), but sometimes I wonder why certain things happen to me. I mean, what did I possibly do to make the universe so angry at me?


Maybe ditching Daniel has something to do with it. Hmmm. I do know for sure though, that from now on I'm going to have to stay as far away from that boy as possible. Why you may ask? I'll tell you:


I was just walking down the 3100 hall (third floor), minding my own business when out pop's Daniel Crass. Almost literally. I mean, I almost jumped that's how mischievous he was.  (Went on one date with him, didn't turn out so well, so I ditched him. But I did tell him that mom had to pick me up, so maybe that helped.) And then he said, 


"Hey, Sam."


"Oh, hi!" Just saying, I was trying sort of hard to make that 'hi' sound nice.


"So how are you? I haven't seen you much, and we both seemed a little distracted at the party. And then your mom had to come and pick you up because it was getting late. I'm sorry about that, by the way. I didn't think that she would mind."


"Oh, well, you know mom's." I said.


"Yeah." Then he had lifted up his hand, and ran it through his hair. Gosh, he's so cute when he's not with his friends, but then when he's with them he's a completely (sort-of completely) different person. I don't really know if I like guy's that act like that.


"Hey," he said, "I was wondering if you wanted to try that date out again?"


"Oh." 


"Yeah, I know that other one was sort of a bust, but how 'bout a do-over?"


Sort of? That's an understatement. "Uh, sure."


"Awesome. So What time would work out best for you?"


"Um. Saturday?"


"Cool! I'll pick you up, Saturday at eight." He said. He actually had sounded truly excited. 


I however, could barely contain my dread. "Great."


He'd smiled at me before he had walked away. See? I don't know how to handle these kind of situations. And now I am stuck into going on the stupid date with that guy again. Sigh. I guess that the only thing that I can do now is not show off my charismatic charming self to him. I'll have to be ordinary. I can't laugh at many  of his jokes, and pretend that I don't get most of them. I'll have to be boring.

***

Today is Friday, and that mean's that tomorrow is Saturday, which means that tomorrow is going to be my second date with Daniel. Hoo-freaking-raw. Well I guess that when I look at the positives of it, it would be that a boy (a really cute one in fact, just one that sucks on dates) has asked me out twice. That's cool.

BAM! I suddenly make contact with someone in the halls. I don't really worry about checking to see who it is  until after I see some hands (nice big, masculine hands) picking up some of my stuff. I let my eyes drift up to the face of this person and I see that it's Jeremie. Yes, Adonis Jeremie. I am trying to think up something to say, when he finally speaks for me.

"Here ya go." He hands me my math book. There's something about that book that makes it not want to stay in my hands. Like it's poison or something.

"Thanks." I finally say through shy eyes.

"You're welcome... klutz."


"Shut up." I say, playfully hitting him.


"Ooh, good comeback."


I give him a look, smile, and shove him a little away. He laughs, and then grabs at my waist where it's most ticklish. I've always been so ticklish there, and people like to use it for there benefit. And it's usually guy's that like to do it to me the most. I start giggling, and then I begin to run away a little, but not to far, because I, of course, want him to catch up with me again. He does, and then he comes behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist to get a better jab at tickling me. I laugh harder until I can't breath, and then I slap his arms away weakly, and walk over to a bench, still giggling a little. 


He joins me, and I can see by the look on his face that he wants to tickle me again. But I wont let him. No. I put up a hand between us to show him that enough is enough, even though my face probably is very poor at portraying that.


"Hey," I start saying, "did you get the math?"

"Yeah. You need help with it?"

"Yeah. Just a bit."

"Okay."

I pull out my homework and then he try's to guide me through it, five minutes before the bell rings. I'm trying to grasp it as well as I can in a short span of time, but, strangely, it's as if I'm trying to learn a foreign language within five minutes. I just can't do it.

"I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. And there's only about a minute before the bell rings, so how about we just call it quits. I'll just turn it in late, it's okay."

"No, no, no." He say's through his super sexy, sweet, Greek god voice. "Here, just copy off mine, and it'll be okay."

"She would notice that the answer's are the same. AND that I suddenly became a lot better at math. AND that I finished all of my homework."

"Then we tell her that I helped you with it. Which wouldn't completely be a lie, now would it?"

How can I say no to him? "Are you sure?"

"Yes, now copy. The bell is going to ring any second now."

"Okay, okay."

So I'm sitting there copying, and then standing up and copying, and then walking and copying. It's very difficult work really.

"Tell me if I'm going to run into someone."

"You're going to-"

And then I run straight into a girl in front of me. It's a girl on the cheer squad named Brittany Jones. Or you could just call her Bone's. That's what I call her. In secret.

She give's me the nastiest face she can come up with, but to me it looks like she just through a Sour Patch Kids into her mouth and she just can't stand it.

"I'm so sorry." I say quickly, giving her the most sincere apology that I can come up with to her face. I think I did a lot better than her.


"Do you need glasses or something?"


"No." But I'm thinking, Do you need an attitude adjustment?


"Well then watch where you're going next time, butt face!"


"Wow, wow, wow, wow. You do not talk to me like that." I say as calmly as I possibly can. "I said that I was sorry, which I am, so you can take it, or leave it. But obviously you left it. Now I'm going to tell you that while you have your face scrunched up like that you look like you cant get something out. And that's what fiber is for. So I hope that you've learned your lesson by being a brat to me. Because, almost always, my comebacks are going to be much better than butt face, which is, by the way, from the first grade. So grow up and accept an apology when it's given to you. Okay? Okay."


She look's absolutely dumbfounded, which was exactly my point. "Now excuse me, I have to get to class." Even though I don't really want to go to that crap hole.  

I am walking away from her, beginning my assent up the last set of stairs to the third floor. Ugh, so many stairs. I look back at her for a second, and I see her, storming down the hall, her body tense from being stood up to.

"Wow." I hear Jeremie say. I had almost forgotten that he was there. "Now that's what I would call karma. I didn't know that you could talk like that. You're always so nice. I mean, you were pretty calm through the whole thing, but... wow. That was awesome."

"Yeah, well when someone talks crap to me or to my friends, or about my friends, or family, I wont let them do that. So I tell them exactly how I feel. And it's almost always what they need to hear because I haven't seen a one of them mess with me, or anyone I know. But yeah. That's the kinda person I am."

"That's cool. I like that in a person."

I smile, because I think that he just gave me a compliment.

"So, are you ready?" He asks.

"Ha! You're funny!" And then we walk into class right before the tardy bell rings.

Paying Attention

CHAPTER THIRTEEN


The weekend is over, and I am back to re-living my boring life as a high school student. Another five days. Time is going to fly.

I walk through the halls with Mariah on one side of me, and hundreds of students on the other. Yeah, this doesn't feel claustrophobic at all.

"Oh, you never told me how your date with that one guy went." Mariah say's.

"Oh. I didn't?"

"No."

"Oh. Um, well there's not much to tell."

She looks at me in a way that tell's me that she doesn't believe me. She know's me too well.

"There isn't!"

"Sure there isn't. Said the liar."

"Okay, now don't try to bring back the 'said the liar.' It's stupid."

"Said the liar."

"Ugh, fine. If you're gonna continue being... You Know. Well, he took me to a party. And I don't really mind parties, but  he didn't talk to me at all when he was around his friends. So finally I just called Elijah to come and pick me up."

"I thought that it was his car that I saw out front when you came home."

"Yup."

"So what did what's-his-face do when you left?"

"I don't know. I was gone."

"Well, I mean did he get mad?"

"No. I don't really know what his reaction was. After a little bit I told him that I needed some fresh air, so I went outside, called Eli, and then texted Daniel that I had to leave early and that I was sorry, but mom was being uber stricked about my curfew and so I had to leave early. I don't know if he figured out that I was ditching him. I hope not, because you know how I hate hurting people's feelings. I just hope that he believed my little lie."

"Yeah, because who know's what anyone's gonna say to that." I can't really tell if that was a sarcastic comment or not. I think it was. Hmm.

"I know, it's awful of me. But I just couldn't stand being ignored any longer."

"No, I understand. I probably would've done the same thing too. Maybe."

"Yeah. Just don't tell mom. She'll think that I'm a brat, and have me go on pity dates that I don't really want to go on."

"Wow, I've never heard you talk like this before. You're always so nice and shy. Not that you're being mean right now. It's just, different."

"Yeah. I guess. Hmm."

We keep on walking, and then, almost out of nowhere, I see him. He's just a few feet ahead of me, and I have to do something quick. I grab Mariah's hand and lead her to a corner, where hopefully, he wont see me.

"What are you doing?"

"Um, you see that guy right there?" I say, trying to appear nonchalant.

"Uh, that's specific. Which one?"

"The tall, pretty attractive guy, that's surrounded by all of those other jock's?"

"The one in the red hat?"

"Yeah."

"Okay."

"That's Daniel. Daniel Crass. The one who asked me out."

"That hot piece of junk asked you out? And he didn't pay attention to you? What's wrong with him? Other than having biceps of steel."

"I do not know what's wrong with him. That's what I was wondering for the whole night."

"Ugh, guy's. Who needs 'em?"

I laugh. "Yeah, who need's 'em?"

Sitting here. In the office in my house. Typing. Exciting huh?

I hear the TV in here, excitement trying to feed through to me about soccer.

The washer is on. I didn't get a chance to do my laundry earlier today.

I am staring at the computer screen, trying to think of something else to say. Hmm....

I think about the family reunion today. That was cool. More than a hundred family members. Or more. That's cool. I was lucky that I didn't really have any attractive distant cousin's. Because when you think about that, it would be a little weird.

My sister's birthday is tomorrow. She's turning twenty. Good for her.

I think that I'm going to stop here, because, as you can see, I don't have much to say.

I am happy. This is true. I am a happy person, and I will chose to live the rest of my life in that fashion. But sometimes I just feel like I'm going to explode if someone crosses me in a wrong way. I don't want to be mean to that person, but it's like I'm going to combust into flames if I talk to them. I think that comes from living a life where I am just a little bit too passive. I will stand up for myself and others when I feel like someone needs to be put in there place, but sometimes I just get so frustrated by others stupidity that I lash out at them when I really don't need to, and when, in that case, I become a little rude. You know the whole personality color thing? Well I am almost completely a white. Passive, nice, almost always letting people chose what they want so that they wont have to choose just because they want to please them, even though that may not be exactly what they want at all. That is totally me. But I've learned that when it come's to being around red's: leaders, control freaks, people who want to take charge, a bit aggressive; that we don't really like it. And it is so true. My step-sister is definitely a red, and our personality's clash just too much. occasionally we get along, but we tend to argue a lot. And usually about the dumbest things. Yeah, I don't really like people telling me what to do.


But even with all of this pointless, ridiculous ranting about personality's and color's, I really am a very happy person and live a very happy life. I am grateful for all of the thing's that I have in my life, and for living the life that I have. I know that if it weren't for our great God who created this earth that I wouldn't have the life that I have now. I sometime's get to wondering what it would be like if I were a different girl. If I were that girl in school that was just so pretty. But then I remember: If I wasn't me than I wouldn't have the friends that I have, the family that I have, and I wouldn't know the guy I know today who thinks that I am beautiful. I have to always remember that when I feel at my lowest, when I don't feel so pretty, when I think that my life stinks, that I have a great life and that many others aren't so lucky. That I have been blessed greatly and that I have so much more than many other teen's my age around the world could imagine. I have to remember when Hunter said, "You are so beautiful. Don't you ever forget that." Those are the things that I remember that help me be happy. For any who have forgotten how lucky they are, they should really take a good look at what they have, and then see what a great difference their life is compared to the live's of others. 


Whoever they are I do not think that they are selfish. No. They are just like me. They have simply forgotten. 

What is it called when you really like someone, and almost everything reminds you of them? Is that love? I don't know. But I feel like I'm to young for that. Who know's what it is. Infatuation? Maybe. I try to think of other people, and I am attracted to other guys, but I can just never forget the feel of his lips on mine. I just want to get him out of my head, but it's almost impossible. I'm only seventeen, why is this happening to me?

Paying Attention

CHAPTER TWELVE


When Daniel's car roll's up the drive way, I am almost instantly scared. What if this doesn't turn out well? What if he's a jerk to me? Why do I continue to say all of these question's in my head?

I guess it's not the best of things to be worrying so much on a date.

I hear the doorbell ring, but my mom beats me to the door, explaining to me that then she'll be able to meet him that way.

"Hi, is Sam here?"

"Yeah. You must be Daniel. I've heard all about you."

I can't believe I'm hearing this. I hide, hoping that he'll never see me. I quickly give my mom a look before she walk's away and I'm left to walk the ten feet to the door. I'm so scared, I wonder if he can see my body shaking. But he doesn't seem to notice anything, but gives me a wide eyed, mouth partially hanging open look. I guess that's a good thing. I don't really know though. I'm not good with guy's.

"So I guess we should be heading out now." I say, trying to fill the silence.

"Uh, yeah! Right." He quickly looks me up and down again before turning around and opening the door for me. What a gentleman.

Now that I'm in his car I am feeling self conscious because Mariah insisted that she put some makeup on me, complaining that I never do anything with my face, and that on a date you definitely need to. My little sister telling me what I need to do with my face. And so now I sit, with lots of dramatic eye shadow on, along with (maybe a little too much) mascara. My cheeks are a soft pink, and my lips a bright red. I look at myself in the side mirror, and I look like a porcelain doll. I guess that's pretty good.

Once Daniel starts the engine and starts to pull away from my house he say's, "I'm really glad that you agreed to come out with me. Thanks."

"Yeah, no prob. So... uh... where exactly are we going?"

"Oh, umm, you are going to find out."

"Oh, a surprise. I like surprises."

"Well yeah! Who doesn't?"

I start giggling a little and he looks over at me, and says, "You look really good tonight."

"Thanks." I say shyly. I don't know what to do so I look down at my hands in my lap, then take a careful glance up, and say, "You look good too."

"Oh, thanks!" He says, putting a little fem into his voice.

I laugh, and then we're off, spatting jokes at each other, and quoting movies. I'm actually surprised at how easily we're flowing through our conversation, until my fear starts to bubble. We arrive at a party, which is great, but I don't really like having to talk to a lot of people. What if people try to start a conversation with me and I just don't know what to say? Okay, calm down Sam. You've gotten this far with the date. You can finish it.

Daniel tells me to stay there as he gets out of the car, runs around to my side, and opens the door. What a gentleman. And I like gentlemen. They're the guys that I've always been naturally attracted to.

He grabs my hand and helps me out of the car, and then quickly lets it go as we walk towards the house. I feel like I'm fine with that, because I would feel weird holding the hand of a guy that I don't know very well. But at the same time it's as if he couldn't stand to hold my hand. What does that mean? I'm so confused. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it. Don't let it get too far in my head.

When we get to the door he quickly grabs it and holds it open for me and I walk in. I stop just a little ways in the doorway though because I don't care much about going into a place where I don't know anyone except the person standing behind me. But when he come's by my side he starts to walk ahead of me, motioning for me to follow him. I do, not knowing what else to do. The music is loud, the bass beating into my body, and I begin to feel claustrophobic surrounded by all of these people. I ask him what we're going to do here.

"Hold on," he shouts. "I just have to say hi to some friends."

"Okay." I say, not really sure that I mean it, but I go along with it anyway's. Several guys, guys from the basketball team it looks like, look at me and give me a smile as I pass by them. I smile back, just to be nice, but at the same time I feel this uncomfortable feeling in the bottom of my stomach, and I just want to get out of here.

"So when are we going to leave for the date?" I shout to him. He doesn't seem to here me, and so I tap his arm and stand on my tip toes to get closer to his ear and say it again.

"What? This is the date!" He shouts back, leaning over me, his tall body so much bigger than mine.

"Well, I just thought we were going to do more!"

"Aren't you having fun?"

I hesitate,"Yeah, but I don't really know anyone here, and so I don't have anyone to talk to except you, but you haven't really been talking to me much since we got in here it seems!"

He looks shocked. I'm a little shocked myself because even though it wasn't really mean, I rarely say things like that to people, especially guys. So this feels a little weird.

"Well... What do you want to talk about?" He asks as if he's confused by his own words.

"I don't know!" I shout. "But it just seems a bit loud in here!"

"Well what if I wan't to talk to my friends?"

"Okay, you do that! But I'm just gonna go get some fresh air!"

I feel so irritated that as I walk down the hall to the door, I don't notice the guys that were checking me out earlier until I feel a light smack on my butt. I turn around on them and one of the guys trying to stifle a smile. I turn straight around and punch the guy right on the arm as hard as I can. He just laughs, telling me that I haven't hurt him at all. I quickly roll my eyes and give him a dirty look before walking out the door and into the cool night air. I just don't understand. Daniel was so nice before. He was being a gentleman to me, opening doors for me, and even flirting with me. I think. I don't understand why he just blew me off once we got in there. If he just wanted to talk to his friends than why did he bring me here? I feel like an outcast, and no one is trying to make me feel better.

I start to pull out my phone to call Elijah to come and pick me up and have some fun with him when I hear the door creak open. I turn around but it's just a couple. The boy pulls the girls hand and she follows and laughs as he takes her around to the side of the house. I hear the sounds of them smacking lips and I just can't stand it, (even though I know that's what it sounds like from experience, even so, it's a gross sound) so I walk  away a bit before I go to my contacts and look up Elijah's number. I'm just about to call him when I hear Daniel calling my name.

I walk away more, going around the corner of the house (not the one the couple's at. No.) and hide in the shadow's, trying to be invisible. But as his voice becomes louder, and his steps closer, I can't find anywhere else to hide. I press myself against the wall of the house, but it doesn't matter. He finds me in a matter of minutes, and begins to stride toward me.

"I was wondering where you went."

"Oh, hi."

"What happened to you? I told you that I was going to talk to you."

"Um, yeah. Daniel, can you just take me home please?"

"What? Why?"

"Um, well it just seem's like you're distracted by your friends, and you don't really need me here."

"What? No. See, I just haven't seen some of them in a while, and I just wanted to talk to them for a bit, and I  thought that this would be a great place to meet up at."

"And I was just your tag along?" I say softly, not really a question.

He pauses. "No."

"So, uh, is this it then? Is this the whole date?"

"Well... Yeah. Here, come and meet some of my friends. One of them said that he can't wait to meet you."

I think about it for a moment. Hmm, is that the same dude? Oh, if it is than that is surely a great understatement.

"Come on." He say's again, grabbing my arm gently, pulling me with him.

I give in and let him take me back in, even though I really don't want to. When we're back in  immediately a waft of the smell of sweat, that I had not noticed before, hits my face. It smells like gym shorts, with a mixture of smoke, and it is disgusting.

I feel more claustrophobic as he pulls me again through the crowd of people. I feel sick to my stomach surrounded by so many body's, and I almost want to pass out. I never really did well in a big crowd. I turn to my left a little and see a couple making out, and to my right I see the same thing. Not exactly like what you would call a fun-filled-date.

Daniel and I approach a group of guys, two out of five of them with their arm around a girl. One of the other three look's at me and smile's, and I know immediately that it's him.

"Guy's, this is Sam. Sam, this is Randy, Jack, Mckay, Andy, and Jake. And this is Andy and Mckay girlfriends, Ellie, and Brittany."

"Hi." I say, shyly lifting up a hand to wave at them. The one named, Jake, I think, look's at me and continues to to a really creepy smile. I feel like I'm a hamburger and he want's to eat me. Which is even more disgusting because hamburger's are nasty.

And then Daniel goes on talking to them, leaving me beside him as if I'm not even there. But Hungry Eye's continues to give me the stare down. I try to stare back, and see how long he can last for. But that's a pretty long time, so I look down at my shoes. I feel uncomfortable with him staring at me like that. Is he trying to creep me out?

I tap Daniel on the shoulder and motion for going outside. He looks down and give's me a sort of pleading look as if for me not to leave. But I say to him that I need more air and he just sighs and nods his head, as if it's fine if I go outside.

Once I'm out there again I quickly pull out my phone and call Elijah. He answer's groggily.

"Sorry, did I wake you up?"

He clear's his throat. "No. You're fine."

"You are such a bad liar."

"Whatever. So what's up?"

"Can you pick me up?"

"Uh, sure. Where are you?"

"Um, about 1160 East, Maple Lane. You know where that is, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Kay, thanks. Bye." And then I hang up. I go back to my contacts though, search up Daniel's name and text him quickly that I'm sorry and had to leave early, my mom suddenly being really strict about my curfew, and then her coming and picking me up. I don't know if he'll believe it, but it's worth a shot. I don't want to ditch him and have his feeling's hurt.

***

"Hey," I say as I enter Elijah's car.

"So what were you doing at the party?"

"Oh, this Daniel guy asked me out, and took me here for our first date together."

"A party?" He say's, a tone of surprise in his voice.

I sigh. "Yeah. Pretty pathetic, I know."

"That is pretty pathetic. If he's going to try for a cheap date, he should take you to a movie, not a party."

"Tell me about it."  

"Okay."

"So what were you doing, falling asleep at 9:00 p.m.? Usually your bedtime is, like, midnight. Or two."

"You know my whole schedule, do you?" He teases.

"No, but you are just usually texting me at those times."

"I guess you go me there."

"Yup, I did. So give me the answer."

He seems like he's trying to find a way out of telling me. Like he's trying to hide something. "Um, well..." He start's to say, then stops.

"You can tell me later." I say instead, being able to tell that he just wants to deal with whatever is going on by himself.

"Okay."

"Okay."

"You know what this deserves?"

"No.... What?"

"Ben&Jerry's."

"Oh yes. Every freakin' day."

"Hey, can I tell you something?"

"Yeah." I say.

"You look really good tonight."

***

We're out in the parking lot in front of Wall Mart, sitting on the trunk of Elijah's car, using Oreo's that he found in the back of his car as spoon's. It's really a good mixture.

"I'll pay you back soon, I swear."

"Don't even worry about it."

"But I hate owing people money." I complain.

"What did I just say? You don't have to worry about it. Think of it as a gift, something that you need after that incident."

I sigh. "Okay, fine. If you insist." I laugh. "But are you sure?"

He laughs. "Yes, Sam."

"Are you sure you're sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure you're sure, you're sure?"

"Hmm... Let me think about that. Yes."

"Are you-" And then he cuts me off as he tickles me, causing a loud giggle to erupt out of my mouth. He pulls me closer to him as I try to get away, the laughter making it hard to breathe. He quickly sets our ice cream to  the edge of the trunk, the Oreo's half hazardously sitting on the edge. I try to reach back and tickle him, but it's an awkward movement that my arm can't quite make, and he just flinches away. When I feel like I'm gonna pass out, I quickly shout, "Stop! Stop!" He stops for a moment, giving me enough time to catch my breath as I feel my head against his chest, and his arms resting on mine. I feel him start again, but this time I slither out of his arms, a giggle coming out of my chest as I do so, and I quickly tickle him a little, and then run away and into the drivers side of the car, locking all of the doors. He doesn't get there fast enough, but then I quickly remember that he has the keys. 

He looks at me through the window, smiling, holding his keys, dangling them in front of the window. I laugh again.

He unlocks the door that I try, but fail to keep locked, and opens it, smiling down at me. "What exactly were you planning on doing?"

"I don't know. Something." I laugh.

"Oh, I see."

"Yes, you do."

"Okay, now move over. I'm the driver."

"Oh fine. Ruin all of the fun." 

"Yup." He start's the engine, and is about to put it into drive, but stops. "Wait." He say's, so seriously, I wonder what's wrong. He get's out of the car, run's to the back, and then come's back, ice cream, and Oreo's in hand. He hands me mine, and throws his empty container, along with the Oreo's, in the back.

"Man, I totally forgot about those." I laugh.

"Me too." He say's, a smile creeping across his lips. He puts the car in drive, and then we're off again.

"Hey Eli."

"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad you picked me up and made this a good rest of a date." I stop, unsure of what I just said. "Not that it was a date, but you know. Thanks."

"I understand. Thanks for being such a fun person to hang out with. I really enjoy spending time with you. But you know this can be the end of the date if you want it to."

I smile. "Yeah. That would be cool." 

He smiles back at me, and then we just stay happy like that for the rest of the way home.